hey, this isn't break time...clock in!.....it's the brutal times, baby....broadcasting live from little tokyo...in the heart of big tokyo....there'll be no tears at our wedding...our creativity inspires and bothers us...the Internet gives us goosebumps...boasting a 100% conviction rate...with more safety....more everything.....we're an insult to everything we stand for...yay!...we're the jimi hendrix of the Internet and self-congratulation...your no.#1 ally in the struggle against the cold hearts of the limited...bung ho!....splendide mendax!....enter a world...of threesomes and prescription drugs...where coherent thoughts are a dime a dozen...living the American dream.... for only pennies a glass....Miramax pictures and gorgonzola hotdogs present..."she liked to read"....."he...liked to write"...The Blogger...."Are you writing a blog about me?"...."Uh...yeah."....."I think - you know whut? I think it's really cute.".........."You mean...you won't prosecute me?".......your no.1 source of thouroughly uninformative news and distraction...hey, this isn't break time....clock in!....it's the brutal times, baby....our traditional lifestyle is being threatened by white guys with big glasses.....what is the sound of one fist bumping?....stiff pockets of resistance are crammed with priceless curiosities... serving up a lush story of more of the same...plus God....non-judgemental and very discreet...better than nothing?.....living the stereotype....splendide mendax!.....broadcasting live from little tokyo in the heart of big tokyo...intersting but lonely.....we're gonna wow ya!....unless of course time runs out....

Presidential Daily Brief

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For Lefties, the Right Hand is ‘The Stranger’

By El Toro, with DJ Salinger contributing, IOWA – Yes, for years folks over forty thought Billy Joel was “The Stranger.”

And maybe he was, in a way, in whatever way that might mean.

Ordinary People

girl-smile

Morning Person Pisses Everyone Off

By Owen Richardson, Special to The Brutal Times, KANSAS – Morning people. Who makes them? God, probably. But as time goes on, can we really be so sure? When we cross paths with a morning person after a long night of self-abuse and injurious introspection are we really so well-advised to defer to that person, saying things like, “Uh-huh,” and “Yes, I was listening,” and “Top of the day to you, too, Squire.”?

Ordinary People

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Guy’s Nose Ring Looks Like a Booger

By Smia Oots, VANCOUVER – I saw a guy riding a bike with one of them nose rings?
It looked like a booger.
“Booger” means booger in Canadian English.
“It’s not a booger – it’s a piercing,” the guy, Dale Barrings, 16, a loans officer at Scotia Bank, told me.
But it sure looks like a booger.

Featured Brutality

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Man Uses Social Networking Tool Facebook to Express Himself, but not Twitter

By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – Laughton Cahootenghastob, 21, a hedge fund manager at Billy’s Bank, never expected to be caught in the epicenter of an Internet shitstorm. But after Cahootenghastob used social networking tool Facebook to express himself last [...]

Presidential Daily Brief

Newt_Gingrich_by_Gage_Skidmore

Gingrich Reaches Out to Conservatives

By Barry Hussein, IOWA – Moving his arm and stretching it away from his body, 2012 U.S. Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich reached out to conservatives this week, touching many in places they hadn’t been touched before. “There’s this place, on [...]

Latest Brutality

baby naming

One Billion Killer Baby Names!

By Business Jesus, PARIS – Well, it’s that season again, and everybody’s flummoxed as to what to name their kid? No worries, mate! BT and the folks at home have double-teamed on a new eBook that you can download straight [...]

Presidential Daily Brief

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2012 Republican Presidential Master Debate Director’s Cut

The following is a Director’s Cut of the 2012 Republican presidential debate on Sept. 7, 2011, in Simi Valley, Calif., as corrected by The Brutal Times.

Presidential Daily Brief

libya-tuareg

Lack of Kitchen Counter Space in Libya Political Hot Potato for Rebels

By Grande Chef Otto, TRIPOLI – Because there was nothing else on we were stuck watching that revolution thingy in Libya? The one which should have been exciting since their dictator dresses like Michael Jackson and has more attitude than Snoop Doggie, but is actually a snore fest since now all the other channels got wars on `em too?

Ordinary People

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Doubt is a Ballbreaker & Most are Filled with Crushing Loneliness: Study

By Ray Goolens, THE ATTIC – Doubt is a ballbreaker and most folks are filled with a crushing loneliness, according to a landmark Tweet, issued by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies this morning.

Presidential Daily Brief

Ratko Mladic Changing His Name to Rick?

Thinking Man's Rock

New Brahms Album Spoilers Rock Cafe Society

Conversational Gold

Two Monks Go Into a Starbucks

Grande Chef Otto

Mom Hates it When Kids Get Crumbs on the Table

Featured Brutality

TSA: From Now On Only Good-looking Passengers Will Have Their Bags Handled

Canaduh

Who’ll be Canada’s next Cock Blocker?: Master Debate Director’s Cut

Presidential Daily Brief

Obama’s Bin Laden is Dead Speech: The Director’s Cut

Business Jesus

Exclusive: Top Models Stay Thin by Snorting Cocaine

Thinking Man's Rock

Frankenband Spring: Billy Corgan Quits Smashing Pumpkins

Highlighted Brutality

500-year-old Book is Really Boring