Lonely? Sleeping under a tree with a gun? Can\'t fight the temptation to file your teeth down to sharp points? Send a postcard to the brutal times........ Grande Chef Otto, Ohashi Jozu, Daemon Mailer et al are svelt autodidacts who understand your suffering and know a few good songs.......... Maybe you\'ve bumped into DJ Salinger on the Internet Machine.........Remember that time you wondered why a superhero was shopping in your supermarket? Styles Cradgerock\'s got huge biceps and a massive 5o foot yacht. Forget about trying to solve it all by yourself........I guarantee that if you blindly follow the brutal times\' multidimensional plan and drink plenty of whiskey you\'ll be more alive, more confident, you\'ll gain untold powers. You\'ll finally claim the Golden Sceptre from the phantom yeti in little tokyo in the heart of tokyo........ Precious moments are slipping through your trembling fingers. Blink and the sun will blot out the moon and light the skies on fire! Grab Barry Hussein\'s hand before you get crushed by the gargantuan bleeding tumbleweeds of the apocalypse! Here they come!.........it`s the brutal times, baby.........splendide mendax

Latest Brutality

Kill!Kill!Kill!: Marshall Stack Hits The Dirt in Hogtown

By Marshall Stack, TORONTO-
The Canadian spring is now nearing lateness, and all about is green with life. Squirrels are screaming in the trees as raccoons shuffle earthward to defecate.
Life is chocolate with joy and driving chocolate cars and wearing chocolate underpants. Torontonians are alive, and moving about in a post-hibernational frenzy in the wake of […]

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Featured Brutality

Ancient Mayan Food Pyramid Unearthed»
Librarians Threaten National Security»
Iraq Offers To Reduce Brutal Cost Of War»

Grande Chef Otto

Subway Cushion Soups A Smash In San Francisco»

SAN FRANCISCO (Grande Chef Otto) - The sound of the City of Love’s treasured trolleys may be magic to the ears of the millions of mutton-chopped foreign visitors this sleepy California coastal villa receives each year, but lately locals are falling under a brand new San Franciscan spell - that of the delicious tasting […]

Canaduh

Canada`s Giraffe Hunt Begins»

By Grande Chef Otto (The Brutal Times)
VANCOUVER - With the arrival of the first bitter winter wind to this popular international tourist hotspot came also the first blasts and echoes of burpguns and mortars.
No, Vancouver has not suddenly been transformed into Sadr City, Iraq, and as yet humans remain for the most part left […]

Ordinary People

I Don’t Like Rainy Days»

By Lorna (Special to The Brutal Times)- I don’t like rainy days. I dunno, I guess it’s just because it requires that little extra effort and I’m so tucked out after giving the kids a bath the previous night and then I have to get up early at 7am and pack their lunch and […]

Health Watch

DIY Organ Transplants - Easier Than You Thought»

(Brutal Times Health Watch by Doctor Wayne McGillicutty) You may have foolishly thought that major operations like transplants were best left to surgeons in hospitals, but one Toronto area man is seeking to change all that.
“The myth that organ transplant is a procedure best left to “professionals” is one I’ve made […]

The Craptangle

Presidential Daily Brief

Hillary Woos Goth Vote»

By Styles Cradgerock PENNSYLVANIA - Second place finish candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination Hillary “Hot” Rodham Clinton is far from “rolling over and playing dead,” her campaign spokesperson Haylie Grahame declared in confidence late yesterday evening.
Ms Clinton has been hitting Pennsylvania streets with a vengeance, desperately urging primary voters who live, work or […]

Thinking Man’s Rock

Top Record Stores Offer ‘Five Finger Discount’ Fridays»

By DJ Salinger, TOKYO - In a preemptive shot across the bow of music piracy kingpins and I-Pod inventors Bill and Melinda Gates, top record stores HMV and Tower Records announced they plan to appeal to the dark side of downloaders by opening several of their flagship stores to “five finger discount Fridays”.
Rick Romney, general […]

Schadenfruede

My Friend’s Friend Is In Al Qaeda!»

TOKYO, Japan (CNN) — Japan’s justice minister said “a friend of a friend … is a member of al Qaeda” and had entered the country several times, using various passports, an officer of the Justice Ministry told CNN.
Hatoyama says a friend from a butterfly collectors group knows a member of al Qaeda.
He recalls hearing his […]