Warm Topic Archives: christmas

Less is More in Beatles Box

beatles-box

By DJ Salinger, LAS VEGAS – Finally, after sweating through the long wait of three months since the last Beatles album was released we can get our rocks off with the just-released 150 album box set which contains all of the lads’ 18,0981 songs (minus the baggage of all those John Lennon and George Harrison tracks which dogged down much of the earlier compilation best boxes).

“Yeah, we finally figured out what was missing with the earlier 569808 best of Beatles releases,” said long-time Beatles producer and confidante George Martin, from his villa in sunny Las Vegas, Sunday, “those fucking Harrison and Lennon songs,”

Posted in Featured Brutality, Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Can’t Wait for Winter!

winter

By Dessy Osmonde, Special to The Brutal Times, INDIANA – I can’t wait for winter! Why? Well I can’t wait to freeze my fucking ass off next to the fire. Even with a good solid pair of winter boots pulled right up to my next nothing stops the cold, right? Viva la Mother Nature! Yes, you can spend spend spend but nothing stops that cold from seeping in and gripping your balls and bones in an icy freezing cold handshake! Yeah, winter’s comin’ and the only way to warm up for it is to open the icebox and sleep with your feet stuck inside it night after night after night.

Posted in Ordinary People | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My New Year Resolution: I Want Oprah’s Boobs

By Yana, (Special to The Brutal Times) SANTA MONICA – I don’t know about you, but in my social circle all the huffing and puffing around Oprah Winfrey’s boobs has consumed most of my winter holiday. People just could not – I mean could not leave Oprah’s boobs alone.

Posted in Ordinary People | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Fonzi Schemes Surge in ’08

With investors and investettes losing their tops this quarter the shocking revelation of a new slew of Fonzi schemes has shock-rocked this seasonally sleepy city into a frenzy of fist-waving and foul-mouthed frustration.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

GM Unveils New Sex Drive Car

By Styles Cradgerock, DETROIT – Just in time for Christmas, GM has unveiled its most fabulous machine yet – the sex-drive car! The sleek family auto known as the GM Phero, is 100% powered on the pheronome, which in case […]

Posted in Featured Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Japan Buys Popular US Holidays as Dollar Dips

By Ohashi Jozu, with Business Jesus, TOKYO – The world’s second largest economy may well be entering an exciting recession, as mentioned by CNN and other news junkies, but perhaps due to the simultaneous rise in the value of the yen the message on the floor of the Nikkei stock exchange is still buy buy buy!

Posted in Japan, Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Brutal Times Bags Santa, Celebrates Early Christmas

After more than a month of unexplained absence from the Internet machine, global hipster favorite the brutal times.com has scored a big win this week as Santa signed an exclusive 7-year contract to write for the site.

Posted in Japan, Santa | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Ringo Wrote John’s Songs

Description=Beatles drummer Ringo Starr eats fish and chips, 1967.

Starr, 78, was in snow-covered Toronto to promote his new film “Caveman 2″, a just-completed sequel to his 1986 smash “Caveman” – a film made entirely in Aramaic, a full twenty years before Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ”.

Posted in Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments