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Ask Daemon Mailer

Daemon Mailer’s column on The Brutal Times made waves even before people started reading it. How is that possible? Well. As more and more people come aboard the Internet machine, someone has to take charge and boil it all down into a viscous green goo. Disagree? Point taken. Still.

Satan to become CNN’s New Gadget Specialist

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By Daemon Mailer, KEY WEST – In a classic double-cross, Satan will succeed former Black Flag vocalist Henry Rollins as CNN’s go-to gadget guy. After selling his soul to get the plush CNN jobbie, former Rollins fans Twittered Satan “so many times it really ruffled my feathers,” according to the Big Red One himself.

Millions Misspell ‘Flotilla’ as ‘Tortilla’ When Sexting

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By Daemon Mailer, THE INTERNET – Millions have manned up this morning to misspelling “flotilla”, a lay term meaning “floating tortilla”, as “tortilla”, a land-bound Mexican delicacy served at Taco Bell.

The misspellings occured mainly during sexting.

Reality is Worse than TV

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By Daemon Mailer, NEW YORK CITY – Millions of Americans are apologizing this morning to their long-suffering tv sets as a landmark report issued in the wee hours is confirming what everybody already knew:

Reality is worse than tv.

I Forgot my Password!

Dear Daemon,

I forgot my password.

Can you send me my password?

Kylie

My Son Is Spending Too Much Time In His Room

Dear Damien, I am a stay at home mom. My son Mango spends alot of time using your invention the internet. That’s all fine & dandy and I am glad you made it because you are an American like myself. […]

Why Won`t My Friend Text Me Back?

Dear Daemon, I keep texting my fiend Marcie and she wont text me back! is there something i can do to make her text me back?!? I need her to respond to my messages because otherwise how am i supposed […]