Warm Topic Archives: Business Jesus

How the Royals Save Money

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By Business Jesus, LONDON – Ever wonder how the Royals save money?

They don’t.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Exclusive: Top Models Stay Thin by Snorting Cocaine

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By Smia Oots, Tokyo, GASPANIC SHIBUYA – Tokyo town criers sent tremors through this already much shock-rocked city early this morning when they confirmed what everybody already knew all along.

Top models in Tokyo, Bahrain, and Moscow are staying thin by snorting cocaine.

Posted in Business Jesus | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich Popularity to Skyrocket in 2013

Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich Popularity to Skyrocket in 2011

By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Among the many exciting predictions for 2013, younger sister of famed predictor Nostradamus, Coco Nostradamus, says more people across the globe will eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches this year than maybe at any other year in the history of the worlds’ diverse peoples.

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Yale University Job Interview Spoilers

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By Business Jesus, SUMMER – Yes, summer’s here and the time is right for humpin’ and thumpin’ on a Friday nite. But what about that job thingy? That one you was supposed to get, you know, to keep up your membership in the Skull & Bones social club, and so on?

Well think no more, young Yalie!

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Man ‘Looks Forward’ to Pay Day

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By Business Jesus, BOSTON – President Barack Obama has loosed the hounds of hell on the global economic crisis and so far it’s looking up up up for all the world’s workers and friends of their friends.

The news has been full of how said global economic crisis (or GECK) has been ruffling the feathers of regular folks for like months.

Want more?

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Take Out Food is Healthier Than Home Cooked Food

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By Grande Chef Otto, Paris, THE LOUVRE – Bob Lomax lifts weights four times a day. He wakes at 4:31 am, rinses his balls in an imported basin from Bahrain, and meditates in Japanese for nine minutes while his second “wife” Vickers prepares a delicate vitamin powerhouse pureed and mulched (basically the same thing I know) in an eleven hundred dollar pureeing mulching machine from Sicily.

Bob has had seventy four heart attacks.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Neck & Penis Close to Bush, Report Says

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By Barry Hussein, LOS ANGELES – Industry fashion plate Neck & Penis have embraced Bush in areas where the majority of others have shied away, according to a new report published by prestigious Caribbean think-tank MyGoodies.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Interview Schminterbiew

By Ghazala Khan (Special to The Brutal Times) TOKYO -

The following interview was conducted by Ghazala Khan of The Pakistani Spectator. It recalls a friendlier, more innocent time when staff members of The Brutal Times could casually gather around the fried chicken dispensor in the BT offices at Shimokitazawa Hills. A time when birds chirped, but not too loudly. Before the layoffs and the name-calling. Two weeks ago.

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Fonzi Schemes Surge in ’08

With investors and investettes losing their tops this quarter the shocking revelation of a new slew of Fonzi schemes has shock-rocked this seasonally sleepy city into a frenzy of fist-waving and foul-mouthed frustration.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Japan Buys Popular US Holidays as Dollar Dips

By Ohashi Jozu, with Business Jesus, TOKYO – The world’s second largest economy may well be entering an exciting recession, as mentioned by CNN and other news junkies, but perhaps due to the simultaneous rise in the value of the yen the message on the floor of the Nikkei stock exchange is still buy buy buy!

Posted in Japan, Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments