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Warm Topic Archives: Business Jesus
Exclusive: Top Models Stay Thin by Snorting Cocaine
By Smia Oots, Tokyo, GASPANIC SHIBUYA – Tokyo town criers sent tremors through this already much shock-rocked city early this morning when they confirmed what everybody already knew all along.
Top models in Tokyo, Bahrain, and Moscow are staying thin by snorting cocaine.
Posted in Business Jesus
Tagged 000 millisieverts of cocaine per hour, 50, Business Jesus, exclusive: top models stay thin by snorting cocaine, fluffer, gaspanic shibuya, jay-Z.my goodies, julian assange jeans, millisieverts, playboy mansion cooties, professor rant foaming, the brutal times, tokyo, vuvuzelas
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Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich Popularity to Skyrocket in 2011
By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Among the many exciting predictions for 2011, younger brother of famed predictor Nostradamus, Rob Nostradamus, says more people across the globe will eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches this year than maybe at any other year in the history of the worlds’ diverse peoples.
Yale University Job Interview Spoilers
By Business Jesus, SUMMER – Yes, summer’s here and the time is right for humpin’ and thumpin’ on a Friday nite. But what about that job thingy? That one you was supposed to get, you know, to keep up your membership in the Skull & Bones social club, and so on?
Well think no more, young Yalie!
Man ‘Looks Forward’ to Pay Day
By Business Jesus, BOSTON – President Barack Obama has loosed the hounds of hell on the global economic crisis and so far it’s looking up up up for all the world’s workers and friends of their friends.
The news has been full of how said global economic crisis (or GECK) has been ruffling the feathers of regular folks for like months.
Want more?
Posted in Special Report
Tagged barack obama, bars, Business Jesus, dating, global economic crisis, money, pay day, ruffled feathers, the brutal times
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Take Out Food is Healthier Than Home Cooked Food
By Grande Chef Otto, Paris, THE LOUVRE – Bob Lomax lifts weights four times a day. He wakes at 4:31 am, rinses his balls in an imported basin from Bahrain, and meditates in Japanese for nine minutes while his second “wife” Vickers prepares a delicate vitamin powerhouse pureed and mulched (basically the same thing I know) in an eleven hundred dollar pureeing mulching machine from Sicily.
Bob has had seventy four heart attacks.
Neck & Penis Close to Bush, Report Says
By Barry Hussein, LOS ANGELES – Industry fashion plate Neck & Penis have embraced Bush in areas where the majority of others have shied away, according to a new report published by prestigious Caribbean think-tank MyGoodies.
Posted in Presidential Daily Brief
Tagged barry hussein, bush, Business Jesus, mygoodies, neck & penis, neck and penis, sears, the brutal times
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Fonzi Schemes Surge in ’08
With investors and investettes losing their tops this quarter the shocking revelation of a new slew of Fonzi schemes has shock-rocked this seasonally sleepy city into a frenzy of fist-waving and foul-mouthed frustration.
Posted in Highlighted Brutality
Tagged Business Jesus, christmas, global finacial crisis, ponzi, ponzi scheme, potsie, ray goolens, the brutal times, the fonz, wall street
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Casual Mondays Plan Raises Alarm at Goldman Sachs
By Business Jesus, NEW YORK CITY- With financial markets in turmoil this week after industry giant Lehman Brothers disintegrated and the once most reliable player on the scene, Merrill Lynch, was gobbled up by the Bank of America, traders and [...]