Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times

Can James Cameron’s Emoticon Save the Silver Screen?

James_Cameron_2010

By Yves Dropper, HOLLYWOOD- Hollywood, land of long boulevards, sweeping palm trees and ocean views. Keanu Reeves was born here. Underneath one’s feet, the handprints, and yes, even feetprints of a million actors and…oh, forget it. Word here is that […]

Posted in Hollywood Pap, Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

In Spacewalk Astronauts Repair Finnish Space Station

640x360_19695_Finnish_Spacestation_3d_space_station_picture_image_digital_art

By Helder Goff, Special to the Brutal Times, SPACE – Space, the final frontier. No one was supposed to go there, but they did. Probably that’s why, increasingly, God has been busting up their space ships.
“Actually, we don’t know if it’s God that’s been doing it, or some other kids or something,” claimed Gus VanderBilt, 11, designer of Finland’s famed Zolftschatz, which is Ikean for “Zolftschatz.”

Posted in Exclusive! | Tagged , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Should Scotland Become Important?

scotland-castle-keiss-caithness

By Styles Cradgerock, SCOTLAND – Scotland. Home of haggis, chips, boat trips on the Seine. The land of Mel Gibson and Oliver Twist. Home of the twist. Birthplace of sherlock Holmes. Home of former heavyweight champion Larry Holmes. Where ice cream is free and driving is only permitted for children.

Still, few have ever heard of it.

Posted in Exclusive! | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

People With the Same Name are the Same

By Smia Oots, SOUTH BRONX – If you’ve been thinking most people named Neil are hard to get along with you’re not alone says a recently released document from Internet super snooper Edward Snowden, 36.
“People – persons – named Neil are notorious dicks.”

Posted in Stories For Tops | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

Aging Hypocrites Want a Piece of the Pie

DKB&Friends2020

By Daemon Mailer, VERMONT – Angry young people massed themselves into howling packs and began pogoing up and down in riotous response in reaction to the release of a landmark tweet tweeted this morning by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies.

The tweet, which was promptly deleted before it could incite further unrest, apparently asserted old people are jonesing for more than their share of the proverbial planetary pie.

Posted in Exclusive! | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I Got Probs

I got Probs

By Hessy Marin, Special to The Brutal Times, BOSTON- I got probs. Man, let me tell you! Things were goin’ pretty swell for a while there – new boy, new apartment – even a new car…

Then, I won the lottery.

Posted in Exclusive!, Ordinary People | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Is Ben Afleck U.S. Cinema’s Enfant Terrible?

afkec_3097

By Smia Oots, Los Angeles, HOLLYWOOD

Posted in Exclusive!, Hollywood Pap | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

How the Royals Save Money

offical-family-portrait-royal-wedding.590cf0430

By Business Jesus, LONDON – Ever wonder how the Royals save money?

They don’t.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Man’s Shit “Doesn’t Stink”

PF_12_00000000R101_VA0325_W1_PF

By El Toro, WOODS HOLE – The medical community has become unhinged this morning with reports of Ron Jean Beaujong, a 22-year-old systems programmer from Oregon clogging up the blogosphere so much so that wi-fi is down all over town.

Know why?

Mr. Jean Beaujong’s shit doesn’t stink.

Posted in Exclusive! | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Jean Claude Van Damme To Join Van Halen

jean-claude-van-damme-look-like-now-today

By DJ Salinger, PARIS – Ah, Paris! Paris in the spring. What can one say about Paris? Only, it isn’t spring, and so far, to be be frank, almost all that’s been written about this golden city on the Seine is unreadable.

Unless you speak French.

Posted in Latest Brutality, Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments