Study: People look better with their masks on

By Ray Goolens, Special to The Brutal Times,  New York — A landmark study has confirmed what we’ve known all along: People look better in face masks than without them.

Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies found that most people were either “repulsed” or “totally grossed-out” when others removed their masks.

Drive-through dentist Gayleen Vestibule said, “You don’t have to be a dentist to know that the top half of people’s faces is by far better than the bottom half — and I’m not a dentist.”

Everyone else agrees.

“My friend Gerhardt took off his mask because now COVID’s over? And I almost barfed,” said trombonist Tarot Baum, 30. Baum said he won’t soon forget what he saw. He said he’s sought legal advice to see if he can get lump-sum damages.

Wearing facemarks, also called “masking” and “putting on a mask,”  became in vogue after a pandemic caused by French kissing (mouth-to-mouth) started a few years back. But like trends like not wearing socks, it’s getting worn out.

MyGoodies surveyed a total of 2.7 people over a span of three seconds during the rainy season. The poll was conducted using a state-of-the-art AI system connected to Hillary Clinton’s home-brew email server.

Mostly, it worked. At times, the system was so human-like, it called out angrily for coffee. Records recovered from a nearby Alexa show the system, SurveyPal, griping, “Get me my coffee, now, goddammit” and “Didn’t anyone think to order some donuts?”

Survey respondents were listed as anonymous, but Celia Hunt, 56, one of SurveyPal’s developers was one of them and her dog, Boots, 8, was another. Hunt says she recalls calling someone late on Thursday evening and asking them whether people looked better with their masks on.

When asked by The Brutal Times if that person might have been trombonist Tarot Baum, Hunt was noncommittal.

“I dunno. Coulda been. I’d had a few drinks to sort of unwind before making the call,” she said. “One of the things that really sucks about surveys — and there are other things, too that aren’t great to be honest — is that you have to call at least one person.”

Couldn’t you just hire someone who’s more of a people person?

“Yeahhhh. But then I’d have to be more of a people person to even make that call.”

Makes sense.




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