Warm Topic Archives: canada

‘I Went Camping with Axl Rose’ Cock Blocker Insists

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By Cock Blocker, Honorable Prime Minister du Canada, Special to The Brutal Times, Tender Foot Provincial Park, Northern Ont. CANADA -

So, seriously I know it was him!

I prefer to camp alone because my job is shit and my wife’s a bitch and she hates camping. I like to come out as soon as the locks thaw out enough to get the doors open.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Madonna Wants to Adopt a Canadian

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By DJ Salinger, TORONTO – Charismatic wall of spunk Canadian Prime Minister Cock Blocker is preparing Team Blocker to deal with Madonna over her rumored plans to adopt a Canadian before summer’s end.

“Le priminister du Canada, Monseiur Cocque Blocquer will not permit such a thing to happen without much money flowing into his secret pants pocket,” insisted Remy LeFontaine, 12.

Posted in Hollywood Pap | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Dust Mite Circus Linked to Migraines

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By The Serge, MONTREAL – Canada’s famed dust mite circus, Le Cirque du Dust Mite, has suffered a crushing blow today as a landmark Icelandic study has found proof viewing the talented mites can be linked to intense migraine headaches in audience members.

The migraines last for up to 40 years.

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Shocker: You Can See a Girl’s Ass with Low Rider Jeans

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By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY – Warning: Portions of this article are unfit for those adverse to being shock-rocked. Make sure you’re sitting down before continuing further.

Ready?

Millions of pairs of popular low rider jeans like the type Britney Spears wears are being recalled due to the shocking revelation that the jeans reveal large portions of the wearer’s ass to the viewing public.

Posted in Schadenfreude | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What’s Joaquin Phoenix Eating?

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By Connie Roe, Special to the Brutal Times, BUFFALO – Hey Brutal Times, I was wondering. You got that Chef Otto, right? Could you ask him what Joaquin Phoenix is eating these days?

Boy, I think that guy has problems! He’s gotta be eating something downright strange. That would account for his wacky behavior on all those shows.

Posted in Ordinary People | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

1979 Commission Rules ‘Punk’s not Dead’

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By DJ Salinger, WASHINGTON – Music fans around the globe are rejoicing in news that one of rock’s most treasured genres – that of “punk rock” has been officially declared “very much alive” by a bi-partisan Congressional Commission which had been studying the issue on weekends since 1983.

Posted in Hollywood Pap, Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Cock Blocker Leaves Canada Open for Anarchy

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By Marshall Stack, TORONTO – As winter whips its icy way through this Eastern Canadian business capital the only thing that can match the plummeting market descent are the near -100 degree C plummeting temps. And the only place to warm your balls may be the nearest local pub.

But wait. Someone is knocking at the door. Could it be – anarchy?

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Canada May Decriminalize Carjacking

By Ohashi Jozu, Belleville Ontario, CANADA – I wept when they sentenced me to board the plane to the arctic country of Canada. This frozen wasteland was made most famous as the site of the fantastic movie Narnia. In that movie there is a tiger which can pull kids along on a sleigh and it looks so thrilling. But Canada is not such a place – its’ cold dehumanizing tundra drives most of the residents here mad within one year. All of this is well-known within Japan, which is why we go to America instead.

Posted in Canaduh | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Identity Theft Ruffles Feathers

By Rabeezio Rabeezio, TORONTO – In recent months the Feds have been turning up the heat on Identity Fraudsters, but many people claim it’s too little too late. I’ve always been pretty easy to identify in a crowd, what with […]

Posted in Featured Brutality, Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

2 McDonald’s Cheeseburgers Are Cheaper Than 1 Double Cheeseburger

By Grande Chef Otto, TOKYO- As world food prices soar and balloon out of control prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies is reporting that on site inspections conclusively indicate that 2 McDonald’s cheeseburgers are cheaper than one double cheeseburger. “We found […]

Posted in Featured Brutality, Grande Chef Otto | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments