What’s Joaquin Phoenix Eating?

By Connie Roe, Special to the Brutal Times, BUFFALO – Hey Brutal Times, I was wondering. You got that Chef Otto, right? Could you ask him what Joaquin Phoenix is eating these days?

Boy, I think that guy has problems! He’s gotta be eating something downright strange. That would account for his wacky behavior on all those shows.

I mean, really. Hip hop career? He’s gotta be kidding.

My jazz dance instructor Larry Hetzlebagh went crazy when he tried to shed a little weight and everyone said after that it was his diet that made him flip his wig.

We came in to the studio and there was Larry, eating from a little Japanese box. It looked kind of like a Rubic’s cube – only it’s got food stuffed inside of it.

Anyway, the little bits of bamboo shoots and Kung Pao chicken were all lodged in his beard and some kim chi was smudged across his leotard.

“Hey buddy, what’s up?” I remember flashing across my mind, or maybe I even said it aloud but I can’t remember.

“The greys,” he said to me. “The greys make the most delicious food.”

I found out later “the greys” are space aliens that started Canada and plan to rule Earth after Russia pisses everyone off with their new one world currency idea.


But Joaquin probably is going crazy too because of the same thing.

Diet and monetary health are so important vital and key to our ability to maintain loving and productive lives in the big city.

What if Joaquin’s not eating right?

Is there someone we can hold responsible?

I would love to see a trial.

Any way can you please, please ask Chef Otto? I read all his columns, and I download his podcasts into my iPod touch and MSN them to my online chatroom friends.

So why don’t you give something back to me?

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A bit of a toff, really, Admin inhaled the classics early. His ears are ringing and he plans...to answer them.
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