By Styles Cradgerock, SOUTH OF FRANCE — Former U.S. Vice President Mike Pence surprised an onlooker at Denny’s in Toledo, Ohio when he abruptly tore the napkin from his neck provided to offset damage to his suit from pancakes failing to reach his mouth and announced that if he chose to run for president in 2024 he’d pick himself as his running mate.
“I can think of no other candidate, quite frankly, who is more able to fill my shoes than Mike Pence 2,” Pence told the nearly empty room, after climbing atop his table and cupping his hands like a bullhorn.
Staff for the former veep later confirmed to The Brutal Times that Pence had said “Pence 2” and not “Pence, too,” although grammarians are still debating it.
“We’re still debating it,” chimed the Associated Press’s B. Everett Calleope, who declined to give their title as it might incriminate them. “I think readers deserve to have us spend maybe a few months on it before we…,” they went on.
Pence himself later clarified his comments in a fax to the joy of plastic model-building dot com. The Pale One said he’d “long learned the benefits” of splitting himself into two compartments, dubbed “Pence 1 and Pence 2.” He said Pence 2 was “exactly the same as Pence 1” physically, but operated on a “different body clock.”
The body clock remark appeared aimed to address the scrunchy-faced looks on some reporter’s faces when Pence 2 last week said former U.S. President Donald Trump had put him and and his family at risk on January 6, 2021 by not stopping the Capitol riot.
Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies noted that Pence, with his March 12 remark, became the last person on Earth to make the observation, at least publicly.
That’s not all.
Pence, after leaving Denny’s, said that acting as Pence 1 he planned to make a “very special announcement in maybe the coming days, months or years.”
The Brutal Times asked psychologist Dr. Ray Goolens to analyze Pence’s comment.
Goolens, who is not a psychologist, said he believed the phrasing of the comment clearly shows that “a mixing, a burbling if you will, is occurring within Mike Pence — of Pence 2, who obviously made the comment — and Pence 1, who I guess will be making the announcement that he’ll run for president.”
Political observers (me), say they see one benefit of a presidential election victory by Pence 2: We’ll have lived most of his presidency before it actually happens, giving us more time to prepare for it.
Still others (me again), say having Pence bring himself into the White House as V.P. will be a) weird b) possibly cheaper in the long run c) confusing and d) twice as dull.
Why are you laughing?