Warm Topic Archives: iphone

Can James Cameron’s Emoticon Save the Silver Screen?

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By Yves Dropper, HOLLYWOOD- Hollywood, land of long boulevards, sweeping palm trees and ocean views. Keanu Reeves was born here. Underneath one’s feet, the handprints, and yes, even feetprints of a million actors and…oh, forget it. Word here is that […]

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Boring

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By Smia Oots, TOKYO – Obama.

Arcade Fire.

Twitter.

Your iPhone.

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Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich Popularity to Skyrocket in 2013

Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich Popularity to Skyrocket in 2011

By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Among the many exciting predictions for 2013, younger sister of famed predictor Nostradamus, Coco Nostradamus, says more people across the globe will eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches this year than maybe at any other year in the history of the worlds’ diverse peoples.

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Chicken is So Versatile

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By Grande Chef Otto, CHICAGO – The great thing about chicken is it’s so versatile. It’s legal, in my mind, to do just about anything to a chicken, and if you’re not particularly religious or a clean freak of some sort, I’d reccommend slipping out while the Google Street View’s not looking and picking up some poulet for some backyard or rooftop cooking.

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Girl’s Bladder is Timed to Coworker She Despises

coworkers

By Smia Oots, CHICAGO – Chicago, home to America and America’s people. Lego, kites, dolphins? Barack Obama bought his iPhone there. I heard a bird chirping. When snow arrives in Chicago it stealthily sprinkles itself in peoples’ nostrils and makes them snowblind like in that Black Sabbath number about cocaine your grampa played you when you was about yey high.

Anyways, what’s more is a girl’s bladder is timed to a coworker she despises.

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Girl ‘still has feelings for’ Ex

exboyfriend

By Mary-Lou Jasp, Special to the Brutal Times, NEW YORK CITY – Usually when I break up with somebody I’m already seeing someone else. Like when I broke up with Brad I was already seeing his friend Jesse, but I’d been so busy I didn’t get to tell him ’til later.

But last week when I broke up with Caro, my BF for the last 2 months, I totally forgot that I did’nt have a new BF yet! Lucky for me I could go online and chat with my online friends. And I could listen to Nickleback and Coldplay, my fave bands.

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Take Out Food is Healthier Than Home Cooked Food

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By Grande Chef Otto, Paris, THE LOUVRE – Bob Lomax lifts weights four times a day. He wakes at 4:31 am, rinses his balls in an imported basin from Bahrain, and meditates in Japanese for nine minutes while his second “wife” Vickers prepares a delicate vitamin powerhouse pureed and mulched (basically the same thing I know) in an eleven hundred dollar pureeing mulching machine from Sicily.

Bob has had seventy four heart attacks.

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Dad Says Chinese Ship Violated International Law

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By Barry Hussein, MACAO – The Internet Machine was abuzz this morning with news that a dad, Roland Hawthe, 22, a barista native to Long Island says that a Chinese ship violated international law.

China has accused the USA of violating international law for sailing sailing away why don’t you take me sailing away i don’t know where I’m goin’ to in Chinese waters.

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Obama: “Our Balls Are To The Wall”

By The Serge, WASHINGTON – An estimated two million people braved freezing temps to hear 44th president of the United States Barack Obama be sworn into office in this snow-covered city yesterday. And most of ‘em stuck around for a little while after to hear him deliver his first speech as America’s new commander-in-chief.

“These are trying times,” Obama began as onlookers shouted and hollered in agreement. “Our balls are to the wall,” he went on.

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Dark Knight Angered By Presidential ‘Snub’

By El Toro, NEW YORK CITY – As six former US presidents sat down for a delicious lunch with President George W Bush and president-elect Barack Obama every face at the table beamed with bi-partisan glee.

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