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Highlighted Brutality

These are stories on The Brutal Times that our unpaid intern, uh, unpaid staff, highlighted with a green felt highlighter to get our attention? At first she highlighted just the headlines of some stories…then the stories…now all the stories. Yes, those green highlighters are wickedly liberating.

500-year-old Book is Really Boring

500-year-old book

By El Toro, PITTSBURGH – A 500-year-old book somebody found here the other day is really boring sources are telling the Brutal Times this morning.

“I didn’t even open the book – just looking at it made me drool all over myself,”

Steve Jobs’ Perfect Presentation Secrets

steve-jobs-gaunt

By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – Just like you and me, Apple head honcho Steve Jobs took a fresh body blow yesterday from the news of increased turmoil in the Middle East. With flotillas and vuvuzelas threatening to end the the world’s diverse peoples before we can ride the wave of globalization, etc., is there any news for hope?

Yes.

Great Depression Gross-out Stories:I Ate Fred

Special to The Brutal Times, By James Muchen,114 – In the house I grew up in we weren’t nothin’ but us kids, pa & ma.

Ma wan’nt home much a the time, and pa used tuh beat us every chance he get.

Then came the Depression an’ things really started tuh get bad.

Obama Inauguration Spoiler: ‘I’m Celibate’

By The Serge, WASHINGTON – President-elect Barack Obama is poised to reveal a new direction for America just days from now.

Among the prominent speaking points in Mr Obama’s inauguration speech will be his official announcement of his celibacy,The Brutal Times has learned.

Dark Knight Angered By Presidential ‘Snub’

By El Toro, NEW YORK CITY – As six former US presidents sat down for a delicious lunch with President George W Bush and president-elect Barack Obama every face at the table beamed with bi-partisan glee.

U.S. TV Networks Leaving Iraq

By The Serge, Sadr City, IRAQ – After 5 years of popular US shows being written, produced and directed in this magnificent mountainous country all but one of the major US tv networks has admitted it has plans to pull the plug on its studio facilities here before the end of 2009.

Backpacker Gets Warm Reception in Europe

God I hate Italy! It’s so boring and the people are so dumb and rude! The weather is atrocious- it just pisses rain all day long since it isn’t cold enough to snow. But it is cold enough that you have to wear three sweaters underneath your raincoat to keep from freezing to death.

Fonzi Schemes Surge in ’08

With investors and investettes losing their tops this quarter the shocking revelation of a new slew of Fonzi schemes has shock-rocked this seasonally sleepy city into a frenzy of fist-waving and foul-mouthed frustration.

George Lucas to Shoot Chinese Democracy Videos

George Lucas is ready to rumble. Locked and loaded with energy after the stunning success of his latest act of self-sabotage Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, the gruff-as-ever Lucas confirmed Monday that he is slated to direct the first of seven videos from Guns N’ Roses fresh out the oven Chinese Democracy album.

Man Sexually Pleasures Goat for Plush Japanese Job

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Young American business student Jeremy Savage, 28 says he “dreamed of coming to Japan for years”, lured by promises of easy sex with loose Japanese women, carte blanche (“blank card” in Canadian English) free alcohol, […]