By The Serge, WASHINGTON – President-elect Barack Obama is poised to reveal a new direction for America just days from now.
Among the prominent speaking points in Mr Obama’s inauguration speech will be his official announcement of his celibacy,The Brutal Times has learned.
Up against popular tv show American Idol in its 9pm time slot, Obama’s inauguration speech faces stiff competition in its bid to attract millions of bored disillusioned viewers. The hot-button celibacy issue may tip the scale towards Obama.
But will everybody like what he has to say?
“Obama’s celibate and he’s gonna ask everybody to stop doin’ it like him too,” informed Troy Hillsbough, a source close to the Obama transition team on condition that he not be named in this article.
“He’s like Sting (who practices tantric sex) but he’s waiting until the financial crisis is cured to have a great big orgasm,” Mr Hillsbough went on.
Rumors circulated online Thursday that Obama would also call on Americans and the Brits to join him in his sexless state “until we ah, until this uh, crisis- the matter of getting America, and the world for that matter, AND- returning that to its ah place as the ah driving engine behind ah the ah world economy,” according to portions of the inauguration speech provided to The Brutal Times and Dogs & Cats Magazine.
Obama supporters denied the president-elect would make such announcements and accused The Brutal Times and Dogs & Cats of “making things up late at night on their home computers.”
“Barack – Obama, is not going to come out on January 20, the year 2009, and say to the American people, “I’m celibate – and I want you to join with me and be celibate too,” insisted Team Obama spokesperson Lynee Karnoble, 20. “That would – it’s not really even worth discussing the possibilities of such a thing happening,” she added.