Warm Topic Archives: smia oots

Is Ben Afleck U.S. Cinema’s Enfant Terrible?

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By Smia Oots, Los Angeles, HOLLYWOOD

Posted in Exclusive!, Hollywood Pap | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Guy’s Nose Ring Looks Like a Booger

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By Smia Oots, VANCOUVER – I saw a guy riding a bike with one of them nose rings?
It looked like a booger.
“Booger” means booger in Canadian English.
“It’s not a booger – it’s a piercing,” the guy, Dale Barrings, 16, a loans officer at Scotia Bank, told me.
But it sure looks like a booger.

Posted in Ordinary People | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

Copycat Quakes Condemned

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By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY – Prestigious U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon has condemned, and is condemning, any country’s attempt to copy or illegally distribute Japan’s massive March 9.0 magnitude earthquake.

Posted in Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Boring

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By Smia Oots, TOKYO – Obama.

Arcade Fire.

Twitter.

Your iPhone.

Posted in Exclusive! | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Anarchy Condos Under Seige in Toronto

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By Smia Oots, THE HOLY CITY OF TORONTO – Anarchists dressed in eye-numbing colored jumpsuits, bathing trunks and business attire hurled themselves against each other and their own underground condo, Toronto’s fashionable Queen’s Quay residence, The Anarchy Condos At No Fixed Address

Posted in Canaduh | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Clones Ruffle Identical Twins’ Feathers

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By Smia Oots, HOLLYWOOD – As more and more clones move into the neighborhood and take jobs belonging to identical twins a growing echo of whining is spirally out of control in online chat rooms and some of the worst-kept public rest rooms in the city.

“I don’t like clones, ok?” ejaculated Uger Goolens, 16, a hedge fund manager at Goldman Sachs. His identical twin, Lawrence Goolens, 56, nodded in agreement. “They ruffle my feathers,” Uger went on.

Posted in Hollywood Pap | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

US to Declassify more Cute Pet Stories

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By Smia Oots, ARLINGTON – US President Barack Obama, fullfilling his campaign promise of more openness in government, ordered this morning that 16 more cute pet stories be released to the public.

The soon-to-be-released 16 cute pet stories brings the total of cute pet stories released to public view by Obama to 17. On his first day as president he released “Topps: the Story of the Cutest Dog with Whiskers”. The 180 word story featured a photo of Topps, which spread over Internet chat rooms faster dwarfing everyone’s attention for weeks.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Irony Apparel a Smash Hit in Williamsburg

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By Smia Oots, Brooklyn, WILLIAMSBURG – Four-eyed sneering running-shoe-wearing tattoo-show-offing white-skin-cladding Williamsburg hipsters have bitten onto to something and they just can’t let go!

Irony apparel is a smash hit in Williamsburg.

Posted in Disco Island | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Man Who Thinks He’s Funny, Isn’t

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By Smia Oots, TORONTO – As sub zero temps blast through this sub-standard city of 17,000 tongues were wagging with a new-found consensus that seemed poised to derail the confidence of at least one Greater Toronto man.

A man, believing himself to be be funny for years, has been clinically proven to be unfunny.

Posted in Stories For Bottoms | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Apple & Rubix Unveil iPube

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By Smia Oots, BRISBANE – Choosing balmy Brisbane as the setting to showcase their first joint venture, former arch rivals Apple Computer and Rubix blew everyone’s jets when they unveiled what industry insiders are saying is revving up to be the hit of the summer.

What is it?

Meet – the iPube.

Posted in Special Report | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment