Warm Topic Archives: smia oots

Smiling Linked to Cancer

March 27, 2009
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By Smia Oots, LONDON – Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies confirmed what most people knew already today when they declared a landmark study on all cancers has linked them to smiling.

“Ya, just don’t smile and you’ll be okay,” confirmed Rom Hatzug, 24, a barista turned molecular biologist due to a typo on his temp resume.

He wasn’t smiling when he said it.

Posted in Sick Bay | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Shocker: You Can See a Girl’s Ass with Low Rider Jeans

March 21, 2009
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By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY – Warning: Portions of this article are unfit for those adverse to being shock-rocked. Make sure you’re sitting down before continuing further.

Ready?

Millions of pairs of popular low rider jeans like the type Britney Spears wears are being recalled due to the shocking revelation that the jeans reveal large portions of the wearer’s ass to the viewing public.

Posted in Schadenfreude | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Batman Fires Robin

March 9, 2009
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By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY – The tentacles of the global economic crisis, or GECK as it is lovingly known by fans, have finally reached Gotham City itself, and into the Louis Vuitton pocketbook of the Batman himself.

Commissioner Gordon announced through his FaceBook homepage that “Batman has fired Robin,” effective as of 4pm this Tuesday March 10.

Posted in Special Report | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Interview Schminterbiew

February 10, 2009

By Ghazala Khan (Special to The Brutal Times) TOKYO -

The following interview was conducted by Ghazala Khan of The Pakistani Spectator. It recalls a friendlier, more innocent time when staff members of The Brutal Times could casually gather around the fried chicken dispensor in the BT offices at Shimokitazawa Hills. A time when birds chirped, but not too loudly. Before the layoffs and the name-calling. Two weeks ago.

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Man Pays Twice For Same Meal

January 15, 2009

By Smia Oots (with InfoSandwich News Services) SAN FRANCISCO – Reports are everywhere on the Web this morning speculating that a Bay area man has paid twice for the same meal.

The man who is as yet unidentified bears little or some resemblance to reclusive hip hop singing sensation Eminem.

Posted in Featured Brutality, Hollywood Pap | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Comedians Pray For Obama Loss

February 1, 2008

By Smia Oots (Special To The Brutal Times) NEW YORK CITY- A gathering of the nation’s star comedians caused stirs in the throngs of shoppers who crowded in to Times Square Monday to heed President George W Bush’s call to [...]

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments