By Smia Oots, LONDON – Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies confirmed what most people knew already today when they declared a landmark study on all cancers has linked them to smiling.
“Ya, just don’t smile and you’ll be okay,” confirmed Rom Hatzug, 24, a barista turned molecular biologist due to a typo on his temp resume.
He wasn’t smiling when he said it.
“Comedians will perish quicker than you can make a joke about my acne or the aeroplane on which my acne flew on a vacation,” continued Hatzug, waving his arms. “To laugh equals death, yah,” he went on.
Coffee, tea, the beach and masturbation were all linked to cancer last Thursday by Ray Goolens.
“Don’t go to the beach,” said Goolens. “You’ll die.”
Luckily, a majority of the world’s 88,879766 billion people go through life seldom smiling, and are thus protected from cancer.
“Don’t smile,” said Kaynar Glott,23, a temp. “God will smote you.”
“Well…not God, maybe – but my God.”