Warm Topic Archives: el toro

Man’s Shit “Doesn’t Stink”

December 4, 2012

By El Toro, WOODS HOLE – The medical community has become unhinged this morning with reports of Ron Jean Beaujong, a 22-year-old systems programmer from Oregon clogging up the blogosphere so much so that wi-fi is down all over town.

Know why?

Mr. Jean Beaujong’s shit doesn’t stink.

Posted in Exclusive! | Tagged billy's bank, cat stevens but not that cat stevens, el toro, england sucks, Exclusive!, fiscal cliff, live the stereotype, Man's Shit Doesn't Stink, the bruta times.com, the brutal times | Leave a comment

For Lefties, the Right Hand is ‘The Stranger’

December 17, 2011

By El Toro, with DJ Salinger contributing, IOWA – Yes, for years folks over forty thought Billy Joel was “The Stranger.”

And maybe he was, in a way, in whatever way that might mean.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged 2012 US presidential election, billy joel, daemon mailer, davy crockett, dj salinger, el toro, for lefties, hugo chavez, iowa, justinbeiber, occupy wall street, Presidential Daily Brief, scrolling down, the brutal times, the right hand is the stranger, the stranger, toto | 8 Comments

TSA: From Now On Only Good-looking Passengers Will Have Their Bags Handled

May 11, 2011

By El Toro, NEWARK – Newark, it sounds like New York, but it’s not. One of a number of busy U.S. hubs where people are petted down, Newark boasts long line-ups and stinky bathrooms.

Posted in Featured Brutality | Tagged accidental airlines, dangers of airline travel, el toro, facebook, finding a dime bag in an old running shoe, girl's bathroom, mingers, pert swedish airline industry insiders, subs, the biblical figure solomon, the brutal times, the war on terror is over, the weary airline traveller, TSA: from now on only good-looking passengers will have their bags handled, twitter, ugly betty, vuvuzela, will i am | 5 Comments

500-year-old Book is Really Boring

April 25, 2011

By El Toro, PITTSBURGH – A 500-year-old book somebody found here the other day is really boring sources are telling the Brutal Times this morning.

“I didn’t even open the book – just looking at it made me drool all over myself,”

Posted in Highlighted Brutality | Tagged 500-year-old book is really boring, el toro, indiana jones' poop chute, inspired to rap on a bus, it made me drool all over myself, julian assange, osama bin laden, philosophy students, pittsburgh, professor rant foaming, radiohead vs kid rock, roy kesey at mcsweeney's, the brutal times | 2 Comments

Old People Live Longer

August 26, 2009

By El Toro, WASHINGTON – As Barack Obama America’s first president gears up to give all Americans universal health care, folks are leaning back in their chairs and on the couch to consider the results of a prestigious 60 year study that proves what most of us already knew:

Old people live longer.

“Old people, live longer than young people, ” said Tim Barnes, an unpaid intern at MyGoodies, a multi-billi0n-gazillion dollar tentacles around the world.

Posted in Delicious Toppings | Tagged eddie murphy, el toro, health facts, health tips and advice, invading places, Iraq, iraq war, living longer, old people, philosophy, ray goolens, Sick Bay, squeaking noises, the brutal times | 2 Comments

Interview Schminterbiew

February 10, 2009

By Ghazala Khan (Special to The Brutal Times) TOKYO –

The following interview was conducted by Ghazala Khan of The Pakistani Spectator. It recalls a friendlier, more innocent time when staff members of The Brutal Times could casually gather around the fried chicken dispensor in the BT offices at Shimokitazawa Hills. A time when birds chirped, but not too loudly. Before the layoffs and the name-calling. Two weeks ago.

Posted in Delicious Toppings | Tagged barry hussein, billy, bjork, bloggers, blogging, Business Jesus, daemon mailer, dj salinger, el toro, fried chicken, ghazala khan, Grande Chef Otto, interview, Japan, journalism, marshall stack, ohashi jozu, oprah, pasta la vista, Santa, shimokitazawa, smia oots, ssh...kebab, styles cradgerock, the brutal times, the pakisatni spectator, the serge, tokyo | Leave a comment

Dark Knight Angered By Presidential ‘Snub’

January 8, 2009

By El Toro, NEW YORK CITY – As six former US presidents sat down for a delicious lunch with President George W Bush and president-elect Barack Obama every face at the table beamed with bi-partisan glee.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality, Hollywood Pap, Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged barack obama, batman, el toro, gotham city, iphone, lunch with obama bush and other presidents, new york, Presidential Daily Brief, snub, ssh...kebab, the brutal times, the dark night, us politics, washington, wasted, youtube | 1 Comment

U.S. TV Networks Leaving Iraq

January 6, 2009

By The Serge, Sadr City, IRAQ – After 5 years of popular US shows being written, produced and directed in this magnificent mountainous country all but one of the major US tv networks has admitted it has plans to pull the plug on its studio facilities here before the end of 2009.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality, Iraq | Tagged 3rd rock from the sun, cspan, el toro, frasier, full house, Iraq, Presidential Daily Brief, sadr city, the brutal times, us tv networks, US TV networks leaving Iraq, war | Leave a comment

North Korea to Obama: Give Us Britney Spears

By El Toro, Democracy City, NORTH KOREA – What is it with North Korea? They’re like everybody’s little brother – always clamoring for attention at the worst possible moment. After threatening the good old USA with missiles and plans to build nuclear bombs the tiny island nation ruled by charismatic Kim Jong-Il slipped out of the news for the last few months, giving us all a chance to focus on digesting the fascinating global economic crisis.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged britney spears, dj salinger, el toro, kim jong-il, north korea, North Korea to Obama: Give Us Britney Spears, North Korea to Obm, obama, Presidential Daily Brief, skype, the brutal times, Thinking Man's Rock | 2 Comments

Poll: Cool People ‘Don’t Feel Cool Enough’

December 2, 2008

Forget the global financial crisis. A new shocking wave of global concern is shock-rocking shoppers and commuters and threatening to add more lumps to everybody’s gravy, even those who chose not to order it. The cause for concern? Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies announced yesterday at Denny’s that according to in-depth research most cool people “don’t feel cool enough”.

Posted in Hollywood Pap, Latest Brutality, Schadenfreude | Tagged afghanistan, bloggerthe brutal times, brutal, coffee, confidence, cool people, el toro, Iraq, mygoodies, pinch, pricey, psychology, sex, starbucks, tokyo | 2 Comments