By El Toro (InfoSandwich News Services also contributed to this report) NEW YORK- Forget the global financial crisis. A new shocking wave of global concern is shock-rocking shoppers and commuters and threatening to add more lumps to everybody’s gravy, even those who chose not to order it. The cause for concern? Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies announced yesterday at Denny’s that according to in-depth research most cool people “don’t feel cool enough”.
Zach Rockafeller, a 23 year-old male model from NYC living in Tokyo said he hasn’t felt cool “since December 2007″. Rockafeller has spent the last year growing his shoulder-length hair after admiring the hairstyle of a male model he saw in a Gap ad. “But now I’m thinkin’ maybe I should cut it,” he lamented. He often wears a hat.
Similarly, 21 year-old Beatrice Chang, cellist for the Hong Kong Symphony Orchestra told MyGoodies she has rarely chatted online with international friends recently. “I don’t know what to talk about,” she confided. “I’m not quite sure, you know, even if it is quite so cool you know, to chat online anymore you know,” she went on.
“Globally, what we’re seeing is something of a plunge in confidence in the traditional ideals of what we’ve always held to be cool,” said Baghdad University visiting professor Ray Goolens. “I mean, not to use myself as an example, but one of the reasons I first came to Baghdad U was that, in 2005 it was getting shot at, or people thought it was – I mean most of that was over by 2004 – but the point is people thought it was getting shot at and I thought that after teaching here for a year if I went back to the States girls would think I had brass balls for coming over here.”
And yet upon return to his native Indiana Goolens was shock-rocked to find he was wrong.
“I went to bar after bar, Starbucks after Starbucks, and told my BU (Baghdad University) story, and people just yawned,” Goolens admitted.
Despite the surprising news it may come as no surprise that there are still some who are not surprised.
Veronica Aiin, 24 a graduate school drop-out at Toronto’s York University commented, “They’re (Goolens, Rockefeller) trying too hard; you can’t be cool and try.”
Despite the insight of this remark Aiin is not perfect.
“She’s like, white and it’s 2008, almost 2009 and she’s got that whole ‘I’m a white girl with dreads thing, look at me’ so I thought I could nail her on like ‘If you’re not a rasta then why do you wear dreads?’ or ‘If you wear dreads just ’cause you don’t care about your hair then why don’t you just shave your head?’ kind of double bind thing, but she just took off, which was kinda cool,” said MyGoodies pollster Eliza Kane.
Still, most cool people are really feeling the pinch and this justifies a slew of pricey coffee table books says Helena Cradgerock, publisher at The Brutal Times Press. “It’s a tragic crisis, a personal crisis affecting the libido and we have the most fantastic photographers from France and a child photoblogger from Afghanistan to cover it,” she confided.