Delicious Topping

Japan

As you know, dear reader – readers? , The Brutal Times is based in Tokyo, Japon, formerly the world’s zaniest country (North Korea is the kookiest) and now, just between us – the land of nukes n’ quakes. Still, we hope for the best, right? And there’s no better place I know for a midnite miso ramen than Shimokitazawa Hills. And no better authority on Japan than BT’s Ohashi Jozu. Am I right?

Copycat Quakes Condemned

quakes

By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY – Prestigious U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon has condemned, and is condemning, any country’s attempt to copy or illegally distribute Japan’s massive March 9.0 magnitude earthquake.

Foreigners will be Tested on Chopstick Ability Japan Says

1.1265231402

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As Japan cannot fight back against evil China, a new plan for revenge, revenge of any sort, damnit, has taken shape during the hours of 9 – 5 in the back alleys sandwiched between grey government offices and a delicious Chinese dumpling restaurant.

Beginning November 16, foreigners living in, entering or leaving Japan will be tested on their ability to use chopsticks.

Espresso, Lattes, Rats!

LatteArtWeb

By Ohashi Jozo, SHIMOKITAZAWA HILLS – Shimokitazawa, Tokyo. The summer of the American hipster. Blacky oversized chunky Williamsburger glasses leap from face to face, sucking all the shopping value out of a young Japonaise girl’s face and replacing it with…Ugly Betty!

Espresso, Lattes, Rats!

Japanese Man Uses Hairdryer To Dry His Balls

collage_dryer-Medium

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Recently more and more I work to rid my body of flabs and to become macho for the summertime. Day after day night after day I slide myself to the pricey gym where I don tights and perch upon a stationary bicyclette. The sweat gushes from every pore squirting on everything. After ‘cising I got to get my shower on. After that one is left the one remaining task before ejecting onto a Shibuya street literally littered with rats: to dry one’s body so clearly.

New TOEIC Test to Include Pillow Talk

pillowtalk

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As you know many foreign man has come to Japan the purpose of which is to sex Japanese woman. At English conversational school and so on such seduction has become aplenty. Inside cube area such foreigners “teach” English to potential Japanese mate. One of such tests of conversational English is the many-feared TOEIC (Teach English I Can’t Take) test of English.

The new TOEIC test will include pillow talk.

Google Alert for Obama:North Korea Trying to Start a Big Fucking War

googlealerts

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Dear President-elect Obama/To Whom it May Concern, It’s great you became the president. I’m looking forward visiting your country some day when I get a free time.

By the way, did you know – North Korea is trying to start a big fucking war with Japan.

A Brutal Guide to Shimokitazawa 2: Lunching

italiantomato

By Grande Chef Otto, Tokyo, SHIMOKITAZAWA – I know I know, you’re all shaking your collective headbanging heads wondering why I’d go and do such a crazy thing.

Eat out in Shimokitazawa.

Well I was hungry.

Smorgasborg: The Gastronomic Cyborg

cookingrobot

By Grande Chef Otto, TOKYO – Japan has shown China it is superior once again with Japanese technology giant BB FunCorp’s unveiling of Smorgasborg, the Gastronomic Cyborg yesterday at Denny’s.

Many weaklings in the audience vomited profusely when the saw the dishes Smorgas, had made.

Japan Gives Iran 9 Volcanoes

volcano

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Just as Barack Obama America’s first black president has offered Iran “a new day” via his personal VHS videotape message to Iran’s president Saddam Hussein, Japan, the world’s second superpower is giving Iran nine volcanoes on Tuesday.

“Japan, one of our most ah steadfast uh allies – in the fight to ah, to really get things turned around over there ah in Iran, has ah to the best of our knowledge, ah promised to deliver those volcanoes before breakfast to ah Mr Hussein,” Mr Obama commented via his Blackberry text machine.

U2 = SoftBank: New CD Promotes Japanese Cell Phones

cimg08981

www.thebrutaltimes.com, By DJ Salinger, TOKYO – The new U2 album has debuted in Japan with some copies featuring a sticker on the front jacket of a grey equal sign logo (=) dead center.

And?

Ubiquitous Japanese cell phone giant SoftBank uses the exact same logo as their logo.