New TOEIC Test to Include Pillow Talk

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As you know many foreign man has come to Japan the purpose of which is to sex Japanese woman. At English conversational school and so on such seduction has become aplenty. Inside cube area such foreigners “teach” English to potential Japanese mate. One of such tests of conversational English is the many-feared TOEIC (Teach English I Can’t Take) test of English.

The new TOEIC test will include pillow talk.

“Pillow talk began in the court outhouse of the Japanese prince Sei Shogun,” informed Ray Goolens, a long-time foreign man in Japan who studies Japanese in Starbucks coffee restaurants.

“Stop saying that I ‘study Japanese in Starbucks coffee restaurants’ “, he said, “it’s hurting my game.”

Anyway, Mr Goolens should know because he has much knowledge of porno and so on. He has much time to find his dream in between his jobbie as a “teacher of foreign languages in Japan” or TIT as it is called by Japanese.

“That’s not true, what you just said,” he said.

And then the TOEIC test hated by many Japanese as required to gain entrance to prestigious companies as Sony, BB FunCorp and so on had changed. As of yesterday that test required new Pillow Talk Section.

I was so shocked at that news.


So Ms Kotohara Mitsue, 56,¬† had studied long hours at Ikebukero’s English Prison conversational school. Then her teacher of conversational English Mr Chad DeBarge, 23, of Miami¬† had suggest her to turn to page 69.

“Now, please turn to page 69,” he said.


“Now repeat after me – ‘Rub my red-hot thighs'”.

Luckily young Ms Mitsue had called the manager of English Prison, Mr Sato Jiro, 79. Mr Sato informed Narita airport and Mr DeBarge was flown to his home in America by economic crisis class.


“Only later did I learn I had made an horrible mistake,” Mr Sato informed me in Japanese by way of FAX modem. “Mr Chad had merely carried out his new duty according to the guidelines posted on the wall of his cube at English Prison,” he lamented.

Yes, as of September 2009 Japanese system had changed to require pillow talk be made a part of the curriculum of all TOEICs.

“It’s kind of a conspiracy theory we cooked up and put into action in our free time,” explained Fred Young, a spokesperson at Tokyo’s US Embassy. “It comes from the top down – Obama knows about it, he came up with the plan and he even wrote a lot of the spicier dialogues,” he went on.

Or did he?

About Ohashi Jozu

Ohashi Jozu is a seasoned business affairs columnist. His 37 years with Japan's premier financial trade newspaper The Nikkei Weekly earned him kudos from Princess Masako, Seattle Mariners' slugger Ichiro Suzuki, and the widely-respected deceased American writer Norman Mailer, who once called Mr Ohashi " a living embodiment of Japan's samurai spirit - a white-knuckle roller-coaster ride of a human being." Ohashi Jozu has two daughters, Koari, and Sadako. They are attending junior college and hope to become flight attendants.
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3 Responses to New TOEIC Test to Include Pillow Talk

  1. Pingback: JapanSoc

  2. minako says:

    hi! im minako japans girl, 21. i gatta take toke taste!

  3. Nice one! If I could write like this I would be well chuffed. The more I see articles of such quality as this (which is rare), the more I think there might be a future for the Net. Keep it up, as it were.