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Brahms shot dead in Paris

September 5, 2022 by admin

By DJ Salinger, Paris, THE LOUVRE – Brahms was shot dead in front of this city’s first Taco Bell  on Friday by a fan who said he was upset at the pianist’s new musical direction and clothes. Police declined to […]

Band that broke up getting back together

June 7, 2019 by DJ Salinger

By DJ Salinger, LIVERPOOL – Why you getting back together? “Oh, a lot of things. Mainly the money,” the band’s lead singer said. Why’d you break up anyways? ”Oh, we hated each other. I mean I wanted to strangle [the […]

In Spacewalk Astronauts Repair Finnish Space Station

December 25, 2013 by admin

By Helder Goff, Special to the Brutal Times, SPACE – Space, the final frontier. No one was supposed to go there, but they did. Probably that’s why, increasingly, God has been busting up their space ships.
“Actually, we don’t know if it’s God that’s been doing it, or some other kids or something,” claimed Gus VanderBilt, 11, designer of Finland’s famed Zolftschatz, which is Ikean for “Zolftschatz.”

Should Scotland Become Important?

December 17, 2013 by Styles Cradgerock

By Styles Cradgerock, SCOTLAND – Scotland. Home of haggis, chips, boat trips on the Seine. The land of Mel Gibson and Oliver Twist. Home of the twist. Birthplace of sherlock Holmes. Home of former heavyweight champion Larry Holmes. Where ice cream is free and driving is only permitted for children.

Still, few have ever heard of it.

Oops: New Stooges Album Has Same Title as Biggie Smalls Debut

February 1, 2013 by DJ Salinger

The new Iggy & The Stooges album has the same title as The Notorious Big’s masterpiece debut.

Aging Hypocrites Want a Piece of the Pie

December 25, 2012 by Daemon Mailer

By Daemon Mailer, VERMONT – Angry young people massed themselves into howling packs and began pogoing up and down in riotous response in reaction to the release of a landmark tweet tweeted this morning by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies.

The tweet, which was promptly deleted before it could incite further unrest, apparently asserted old people are jonesing for more than their share of the proverbial planetary pie.

I Got Probs

December 11, 2012 by admin

By Hessy Marin, Special to The Brutal Times, BOSTON- I got probs. Man, let me tell you! Things were goin’ pretty swell for a while there – new boy, new apartment – even a new car…

Then, I won the lottery.

Is Ben Afleck U.S. Cinema’s Enfant Terrible?

December 6, 2012 by Smia Oots

By Smia Oots, Los Angeles, HOLLYWOOD

Man’s Shit “Doesn’t Stink”

December 4, 2012 by El Toro

By El Toro, WOODS HOLE – The medical community has become unhinged this morning with reports of Ron Jean Beaujong, a 22-year-old systems programmer from Oregon clogging up the blogosphere so much so that wi-fi is down all over town.

Know why?

Mr. Jean Beaujong’s shit doesn’t stink.

David Lee Roth Looks Like Steve Martin

January 14, 2012 by DJ Salinger

By DJ Salinger, LOS ANGELES – Van Halen fans watching the band’s just-released video with singer David Lee Roth for the song Tattoo, have been scratching themselves more than usual this week, as many were noticing that Roth now bears a striking resemblance to comedian Steve Martin.

“Well, the reason for that is quite obvious to me at least,” quipped Republican U.S. presidential candidate Ron Paul,76.

Oh, and why is that?

“That’s because he is Steve Martin.”