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Brahms shot dead in Paris

By DJ Salinger, Paris, THE LOUVRE – Brahms was shot dead in front of this city’s first Taco Bell  on Friday by a fan who said he was upset at the pianist’s new musical direction and clothes. Police declined to […]

Band that broke up getting back together

By DJ Salinger, LIVERPOOL – Why you getting back together? “Oh, a lot of things. Mainly the money,” the band’s lead singer said. Why’d you break up anyways? ”Oh, we hated each other. I mean I wanted to strangle [the […]

Man appeared in 4 LinkedIn searches this week

By Daemon Mailer, FOGGY BOTTOM – A man appeared in four LinkedIn searches this week according to the San Francisco-based employment company.
“I got an email from them saying I appeared in four searches this week,” the man, Bobb Dockton, 22, said.

In Spacewalk Astronauts Repair Finnish Space Station

By Helder Goff, Special to the Brutal Times, SPACE – Space, the final frontier. No one was supposed to go there, but they did. Probably that’s why, increasingly, God has been busting up their space ships.
“Actually, we don’t know if it’s God that’s been doing it, or some other kids or something,” claimed Gus VanderBilt, 11, designer of Finland’s famed Zolftschatz, which is Ikean for “Zolftschatz.”

Should Scotland Become Important?

By Styles Cradgerock, SCOTLAND – Scotland. Home of haggis, chips, boat trips on the Seine. The land of Mel Gibson and Oliver Twist. Home of the twist. Birthplace of sherlock Holmes. Home of former heavyweight champion Larry Holmes. Where ice cream is free and driving is only permitted for children.

Still, few have ever heard of it.

Oops: New Stooges Album Has Same Title as Biggie Smalls Debut

The new Iggy & The Stooges album has the same title as The Notorious Big’s masterpiece debut.

Aging Hypocrites Want a Piece of the Pie

By Daemon Mailer, VERMONT – Angry young people massed themselves into howling packs and began pogoing up and down in riotous response in reaction to the release of a landmark tweet tweeted this morning by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies.

The tweet, which was promptly deleted before it could incite further unrest, apparently asserted old people are jonesing for more than their share of the proverbial planetary pie.

I Got Probs

By Hessy Marin, Special to The Brutal Times, BOSTON- I got probs. Man, let me tell you! Things were goin’ pretty swell for a while there – new boy, new apartment – even a new car…

Then, I won the lottery.

Is Ben Afleck U.S. Cinema’s Enfant Terrible?

By Smia Oots, Los Angeles, HOLLYWOOD

Man’s Shit “Doesn’t Stink”

By El Toro, WOODS HOLE – The medical community has become unhinged this morning with reports of Ron Jean Beaujong, a 22-year-old systems programmer from Oregon clogging up the blogosphere so much so that wi-fi is down all over town.

Know why?

Mr. Jean Beaujong’s shit doesn’t stink.