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Featured Brutality

This is brutality (stories of whimsy) that is featured on The Brutal Times, de gozaimasu.

Man Uses Social Networking Tool Facebook to Express Himself, but not Twitter

jann-web2

By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – Laughton Cahootenghastob, 21, a hedge fund manager at Billy’s Bank, never expected to be caught in the epicenter of an Internet shitstorm. But after Cahootenghastob used social networking tool Facebook to express himself last […]

TSA: From Now On Only Good-looking Passengers Will Have Their Bags Handled

HILTON

By El Toro, NEWARK – Newark, it sounds like New York, but it’s not. One of a number of busy U.S. hubs where people are petted down, Newark boasts long line-ups and stinky bathrooms.

Employees Don’t Have to Wash Their Hands Anymore

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By Grande Chef Otto, TORONTO – Employees don’t have to wash their hands anymore, thanks to a tiny blast of laissez-faire attitude stemming from last weeks’ Canadian federal election debate in a garage at CBC.

Whatwhatwhat?!?

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to be Extended to all Branches of Government

By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON D.C. – Showing a flash of pizazz, U.S. President, the American Barack Obama has ordered that the U.S. military’s controversial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which requires that service members not ask or disclose their sexual orientation, be implemented in all branches of the U.S. Government as of Christmas Day.

“So, when you, say – let’s say you’re going into a – Department of Motor Vehicles, AND – you want to…renew your driver’s license…AND – you walk up to the counter and you say to the person working there, “Hi, I’m just wondering where I go to get my photo taken.” Well, as of December 25th…2010…you’re not going to be able to ask that question anymore, unless you want to be arrested and… they’re not going to be able to tell you where to get that photo taken…unless they want to get arrested themselves, too,” Obama quipped.

Less is More in Beatles Box

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By DJ Salinger, LAS VEGAS – Finally, after sweating through the long wait of three months since the last Beatles album was released we can get our rocks off with the just-released 150 album box set which contains all of the lads’ 18,0981 songs (minus the baggage of all those John Lennon and George Harrison tracks which dogged down much of the earlier compilation best boxes).

“Yeah, we finally figured out what was missing with the earlier 569808 best of Beatles releases,” said long-time Beatles producer and confidante George Martin, from his villa in sunny Las Vegas, Sunday, “those fucking Harrison and Lennon songs,”

I Forgot my Password!

Dear Daemon,

I forgot my password.

Can you send me my password?

Kylie

Man Pays Twice For Same Meal

By Smia Oots (with InfoSandwich News Services) SAN FRANCISCO – Reports are everywhere on the Web this morning speculating that a Bay area man has paid twice for the same meal.

The man who is as yet unidentified bears little or some resemblance to reclusive hip hop singing sensation Eminem.

The Dark Side of Ban Ki-moon: Operation Pussyfoot

By Barry Hussein, NEW YORK CITY – Despite leading a busy life like everybody else and having problems of his own spry UN Secretary-General is not about to let New Years Eve get in the way of giving Israel a […]

I Wanna Get Plastic Surgery – On my Mind!

By Dr Ray Goolens (Special to The Brutal Times), LOS ANGELES – Do people feel insecure about their looks? Yes they do. A typical remedy for this in the USA may be a short trip to the plastic surgeon. My […]

GM Unveils New Sex Drive Car

By Styles Cradgerock, DETROIT – Just in time for Christmas, GM has unveiled its most fabulous machine yet – the sex-drive car! The sleek family auto known as the GM Phero, is 100% powered on the pheronome, which in case […]