By Barry Hussein, IOWA – Moving his arm and stretching it away from his body, 2012 U.S. Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich reached out to conservatives this week, touching many in places they hadn’t been touched before. “There’s this place, on [...]
By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON D.C. – Showing a flash of pizazz, U.S. President, the American Barack Obama has ordered that the U.S. military’s controversial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which requires that service members not ask or disclose their sexual orientation, be implemented in all branches of the U.S. Government as of Christmas Day.
“So, when you, say – let’s say you’re going into a – Department of Motor Vehicles, AND – you want to…renew your driver’s license…AND – you walk up to the counter and you say to the person working there, “Hi, I’m just wondering where I go to get my photo taken.” Well, as of December 25th…2010…you’re not going to be able to ask that question anymore, unless you want to be arrested and… they’re not going to be able to tell you where to get that photo taken…unless they want to get arrested themselves, too,” Obama quipped.
By Barry Hussein, TEL AVIV – Canadian Embassy staff here are reeling from the discovery that a mysterious white powder found in an envelope sent to the embasssy is not cocaine.
“We wanted to snort it so bad,” ejaculated Bismark Suffolk, 20, an immune diplomat who heard about the powder. “But they said they weren’t sure it was cocaine, so we’d better not,” he went on.
By Barry Hussein, BAGHDAD – As you find yourself spent from the Olympics and the Academy Awards you’re probably gonna wanna bone up on the key players in this weeks’ exciting Iraqi parliamentary elections. We at the Brutal Times care about your street cred and status as “that cool kid” on your block. So, for all the piping hot spoilers about this year’s democratic vote that time fergot, see below, Joe.
By Barry Hussein, KABUL – U.S.A. America defense minister Robert Gates brushed off rapid fire interrogation from town criers gathered at Denny’s yesterday, as they (the criers) demanded to know if the United States (U.S.A America) was leaving Afghanistan as rumored on the street.
“Oh no you guys,” Gates said, “we just want to see other people for awhile.”
By Barry Hussein, TEXAS – Maverick Arizona senator and recent candidate for US president John McCain is hard at work applying the finishing touches to his tell-all campaign trail memoir, “Inside McCain”, due out this Christmas.
After McCain fell asleep last night at his standing desk (that’s right – he sleeps upright) I sneaked round him and by tongs pulled the moist manuscript from a secret location on his person where it had been secretly secreted.
By Barry Hussein, LOS ANGELES – Industry fashion plate Neck & Penis have embraced Bush in areas where the majority of others have shied away, according to a new report published by prestigious Caribbean think-tank MyGoodies.
By Barry Hussein, PYONGYANG – North Korea got almost no attention from anyone under 5o today when it behaved “very naughtily” and launched an enormous throbbing Taepodong missile rocket thingy into outer space.
“I don’t care about the rocket – it’s boring,” said Koari Mitsui, 21, a juniour college student at Tokyo’s prestigious International School of Beans & Nail Arts.
Americans didn’t know where North Korea was.
By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON – Members of the Washington press are beside themselves with the new knowledge that America’s first black president Obama is easy to tease.
On Monday when a reporter asked the president about Rags, the top secret pooch who was flown into the White House under the cover of night and so onMr Obama, 47, fixed the reporter, InfoSandwich’s Gary Lobster, with an icy stare.
“As you know, Rags is of topic,” he said.
The icy stare has become a hit with kids and seniors.