By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON D.C. – Showing a flash of pizazz, U.S. President, the American Barack Obama has ordered that the U.S. military’s controversial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which requires that service members not ask or disclose their sexual orientation, be implemented in all branches of the U.S. Government as of Christmas Day.
“So, when you, say – let’s say you’re going into a – Department of Motor Vehicles, AND – you want to…renew your driver’s license…AND – you walk up to the counter and you say to the person working there, ‘Hi, I’m just wondering where I go to get my photo taken.’ Well, as of December 25th…2010…you’re not going to be able to ask that question anymore, unless you want to be arrested and… they’re not going to be able to tell you where to get that photo taken…unless they want to get arrested themselves, too,” Obama quipped in response to something somebody may have said some place.
As all staff members cease sending and responding to emails beginning at 7:00 am, December 25th, and by noon cease speaking entirely, the U.S. Government is expected to save enough money that the economy will enter recovery by October, 2011. The saved unmarked gold bullion will be stacked in underground chambers by unmarked trolls, known for their secrecy and skills in machete and bottle fights.
“Trolls, unlike hermits, have proven themselves to be reliable HR materials with which to grease the wheel that grinds,” Octore Fricke, 15, a Democratic Party Whip explained. Calls made by an unpaid Brutal Times intern to hermits requesting comment went unanswered.
But the point is that pretty soon it’s gonna be real quiet around the nation’s capitol.
“I’m looking forward to it,” ejaculated Gerhardt Creeme, 29, a lion tamer. “I’m not affected by it because I use body language to communicate with Gerhardt Creeme.”
You named your lion after yourself?
“I am so tired of this question. It’s common in Canada for tamers to name their lions after themelves; in fact it’s so common that I swore I would never do it if I graduated tamer school. But as you know, the nail that sticks up gets hammered down?”
By whom? Whom hammers down the nail that is sticking up?
“This is precisely why I can’t wait for people to all shut up.”
So you support the policy?
“Yes! Yes! I support it, all right? I love it to death!”
You don’t see that there are any ramifications?
“Am I…the only person you’re going to interview for this article?”
No, I’m going to go around to all the lion tamers in town and ask their opinions on it.
Or am I?!?