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Warm Topic Archives: ray goolens
By Petit Rowley, Special to The Brutal Times, DETROIT – “Lip synching keeps lips looking young and alive,” tweeted town tween Tariq Bozzio, 29 and a half, Tuesday.
By Owen Richardson, Special to The Brutal Times, KANSAS – Morning people. Who makes them? God, probably. But as time goes on, can we really be so sure? When we cross paths with a morning person after a long night of self-abuse and injurious introspection are we really so well-advised to defer to that person, saying things like, “Uh-huh,” and “Yes, I was listening,” and “Top of the day to you, too, Squire.”?
By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY – Prestigious U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon has condemned, and is condemning, any country’s attempt to copy or illegally distribute Japan’s massive March 9.0 magnitude earthquake.
By DJ Salinger, TOKYO – Nothing sounds better than a great mp3. Am I right? The Japanese discovered this back in the ’80’s, when they discovered America, but now even the biggest losers are dumping their sad sack vinyl collections in the river and wearing their CDs instead of playing them.
Good for them!
By Smia Oots, CHICAGO – Chicago, home to America and America’s people. Lego, kites, dolphins? Barack Obama bought his iPhone there. I heard a bird chirping. When snow arrives in Chicago it stealthily sprinkles itself in peoples’ nostrils and makes them snowblind like in that Black Sabbath number about cocaine your grampa played you when you was about yey high.
Anyways, what’s more is a girl’s bladder is timed to a coworker she despises.
By Daemon Mailer, YEMEN – Tempers flared again Saturday as further details emerged showing growing numbers of teenagers, baby-boomers and seniors are constantly mispelling ‘Yemen’ as ‘Semen’ when sexting.
“I think it’s bloody ridiculous” ejaculated Troy Underwood, 23, who is vacationing in Yemen with his mother and her pet. “When I was in school, the sensei would whip us blind if we dared engage in such foolery,” he went on, attracting a small crowd.
By DJ Salinger, SHANGHAI – China’s official news service (China’s Official News Service) is reporting this morning that British pop singing sensation Noel Gallagher may have quit Oasis, the world’s most popular shock-rock combo since The Beatles.
“Mr Noel doesn’t like his brother, and wants to experience a middling solo career apart from him (the brother),” said Dan Hartwig, spokesperson for CONS. “It’s just like when Paul quit The Beatles,” he speculated wildly.
Angry fans turned over cars and houses
By Styles Cradgerock, LOS ANGELES – As 2009 dies the horrible death it deserves all of Hollywood is saluting global media giants CNN and Yahoo for delivering the year’s most cutting-edge in-your-face cute pet stories.
In previous years – 2008, 2007 and so on, cute pet stories tended to be eclipsed by political coverage, current events, business news and so on.
But God said from now on, “Let it be otherwise”.
By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As you know many foreign man has come to Japan the purpose of which is to sex Japanese woman. At English conversational school and so on such seduction has become aplenty. Inside cube area such foreigners “teach” English to potential Japanese mate. One of such tests of conversational English is the many-feared TOEIC (Teach English I Can’t Take) test of English.
The new TOEIC test will include pillow talk.
By Smia Oots, Brooklyn, WILLIAMSBURG – Four-eyed sneering running-shoe-wearing tattoo-show-offing white-skin-cladding Williamsburg hipsters have bitten onto to something and they just can’t let go!
Irony apparel is a smash hit in Williamsburg.