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Warm Topic Archives: ray goolens
Less is More in Beatles Box
By DJ Salinger, LAS VEGAS – Finally, after sweating through the long wait of three months since the last Beatles album was released we can get our rocks off with the just-released 150 album box set which contains all of the lads’ 18,0981 songs (minus the baggage of all those John Lennon and George Harrison tracks which dogged down much of the earlier compilation best boxes).
“Yeah, we finally figured out what was missing with the earlier 569808 best of Beatles releases,” said long-time Beatles producer and confidante George Martin, from his villa in sunny Las Vegas, Sunday, “those fucking Harrison and Lennon songs,”
Reality is Worse than TV
By Daemon Mailer, NEW YORK CITY – Millions of Americans are apologizing this morning to their long-suffering tv sets as a landmark report issued in the wee hours is confirming what everybody already knew:
Reality is worse than tv.
Old People Live Longer
By El Toro, WASHINGTON – As Barack Obama America’s first president gears up to give all Americans universal health care, folks are leaning back in their chairs and on the couch to consider the results of a prestigious 60 year study that proves what most of us already knew:
Old people live longer.
“Old people, live longer than young people, ” said Tim Barnes, an unpaid intern at MyGoodies, a multi-billi0n-gazillion dollar tentacles around the world.
Man Who Thinks He’s Funny, Isn’t
By Smia Oots, TORONTO – As sub zero temps blast through this sub-standard city of 17,000 tongues were wagging with a new-found consensus that seemed poised to derail the confidence of at least one Greater Toronto man.
A man, believing himself to be be funny for years, has been clinically proven to be unfunny.
Posted in Stories For Bottoms
Tagged billy, canadian poetry, clutches, comedy, japanese english, ray goolens, reality check, satan, smia oots, the brutal times, twits
1 Comment
Tomb of the Unknown Session Musician Found Under Phil Spector’s House
By DJ Salinger, LOS ANGELES – Despite the general lack of interest, spell-binding stories keep surfacing regarding sensational superstar pop music producer Phil Spector, now imprisoned for murder inside the seaside Sing Sing prison.
Tuesday, a local L.A. lad appeared to have discovered a bottomless tomb under Spector’s mammoth residence/studio.
“I crawled under there looking for my baseball and I think I found a tomb full of unknown session musicians,” the boy, Darryl RJ Dennison, 37, said.
James Brown is Dead, China Says
By DJ Salinger, BEIJING – Early reports coming out of this world-class Olympic city are confirming what the rest of the world has believed to be true for well over a year – that James Brown has died.
Anonymous Found Dead
By The Serge, PARIS – This famous French city is being shock-rocked this morning as town criers shriek the news that the world’s most famous recluse has died.
Healthy Pets Live Longer
By Smia Oots, BOSTON – Pet lovers are petting themselves on the back and in some other areas, congratulating themselves on the confirmation of what they’ve known for decades: healthy pets live longer.
I Wanna Get Plastic Surgery – On my Mind!
By Dr Ray Goolens (Special to The Brutal Times), LOS ANGELES – Do people feel insecure about their looks? Yes they do. A typical remedy for this in the USA may be a short trip to the plastic surgeon. My […]
Posted in Featured Brutality, Sick Bay
Tagged aroma therapy, decision tree, health issues, holiday cheer, inner beauty, los angeles, ray goolens, Sick Bay, the brutal times
1 Comment