Tomb of the Unknown Session Musician Found Under Phil Spector’s House

By DJ Salinger, LOS ANGELES – Despite the general lack of interest, spell-binding stories keep surfacing regarding sensational superstar pop music producer Phil Spector, now imprisoned for murder inside the seaside Sing Sing prison.

Tuesday, a local L.A. lad appeared to have discovered a bottomless tomb under Spector’s mammoth residence/studio.

“I crawled under there looking for my baseball and I think I found a tomb full of unknown session musicians,” the boy, Darryl RJ Dennison, 37, said.

Detectives were left scratching their heads at how a thing like this could possibly be true.

“We’ve heard all sorts of reports,” said Staff Sgt Gale Weale, speaking on condition she not be named in this article. “The guy from Toto is in there,” she added. “There are bunches of back up singers from Springsteen’s band. Multiple line-ups of Genesis are down there,” she confided.

Although police had yet to investigate the scene, local resident Ray Goolens, who is thinking of taking an online course in music criminology, claimed to have retrieved a crucial piece of evidence from the scene which he hopes to “sell to the highest bidder”.

Portions of audio tapes Goolens claims were made inside Phil Spector’s studio appear to show bone-chilling conflabs between such high-falutin celebs as Ramones’ bassist Dee Dee Ramone and the imprisoned music maverick.

DEE DEE RAMONE: Hey, I think…maybe this song needs a bit more bass.

SPECTOR: Oh, do you know? Spin the gun.

(The sound of a gun barrel spinning is heard along with sharp intakes of breath, presumably from the other band members of The Ramones)

DEE DEE: Oh God! Oh God! You’ve just shot Baz!

Baz Ramone was replacing downsized drummer Tommy Ramone during the session. A veteran session musician from Sweden, Baz Scheldmann III had palyed with Toto, Alanis Morrisette, and The Beatles. His friend, Tammy, 52, had starred in the musical Cats. He was last seen recording with Phil Spector and The Ramones in the summer of 1979.

Just before the tape provided to the media by Goolens runs out, a voice, presumably Spector’s, but which sounds nothing at all like him, says “They would have wanted it that way, if they’d had wills of their own.”

The same person (presumably) is then heard digging a mass grave with the help of unpaid interns in their ’20’s.

Or are they?

About DJ Salinger

Better than nothing, DJ Salinger shakes it where the sun don't shine. BT' s resident recluse on the loose, Salinger is the trouble with this generation, begging the question, What is the sound of one fist bumping?
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