By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – San Francisco, home of the Whopper, pizza, the iPod Touch and the Internet. Its citizens are full of themselves.
Ask them for directions and receive the snub of a lifetime.
“We’re the greatest,” says Pauline Faine, 10, a barista in the trendy Haight-Ashbury stoner district.
But now something else San Francisco invented is killing the Internet: Libraries.
“Libraries is killing the Internet,” says Howard Kalm, 68, a barista in the trendy Union Square stoner district.
“More and more people including tops and bottoms are turning off their Internet machines, and getting turned on to their boring local library,” added Druck Abbott 16, a hedge fund manager for Goldman Sachs.
“I needed to use the washroom so I ducked into the libary,” explained Melissa Falls, 31, who refused to give her occupation because she believes the media is working for the government to track folks.
Other San Franciscans were filled with so many reasons for their switcheroo that it’d fill a 29,000 page book or it could be like a blog entry or something. Here are the top 9, with the most important reason listed at the top, or at the bottom if you’re reading this while standing on…ha ha ha…your head…oh ho ho ho ho ho…ah ha ha ha ha:
1. I refuse to answer your question on the grounds that you’re using the info to help the government track me.
2.Get out of my way.
4.How can you kill the Internet?
6.It’s just not the same since Steve Jobs left.
7.Hey…can you like lend me…like 5 dollars?
8.Ask him, maybe he’ll know!
9.Could you step over here please sir?