By Daemon Mailer, HELSINKI – Internet users and their online friends breathed a collective heavy sigh of Internet relief this morning at news that the Obama Administration and governments around the globe will allow German philosopher Nietzsche’s new sex tape to stream a little longer.
“Hurrah,” ejaculated Fern La Barge, 31, a data entry specialist at Price Waterhouse Coopers massive ceramic Helsinki Tower. “What a great sex tape!” she went on.
Nietzsche, who died a long time ago, has gone viral with his latest sex tape, Deep Thinker. If he wasn’t dead, he’d be poised for a comeback.
“Yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh, that’s right. That’s it exactly,” agreed a large British man, who was standing beside me, shoving me aggressively.
I don’t like soccer.
Nietzsche, was boring to some, but he gave a little hope to me, growing up, always shorter than everybody else. Staring at their legs (I’m referring to myself – meself? – not Nietzsche). Back then we didn’t have sex tapes, we just had sex slides. Those were a little boring.
Moving along, Nietzsche’s new sex tape has the great philosopher making it with a total of 7,709 people.
Most of them are OK-looking.
The tape is 5 years long.
If you fast forward it, you can wipe 2 years off your busy schedule.
Some spoilsports say the guy in the sweatpants isn’t Nietzsche.
“It…would be physically impossible to be Nietzsche,” smirked Helsinki Philosophy prof Rant Foaming, 54.
Oh, and why so, Joe?
“‘Why so?’ A little thing named death, would be why so, I’d gather.”
It looks a lot like Nietzsche. In the sweatpants.
“Uh huh. Right – it looks a lot like him. Yeah.”
You’re not agreeing?
“No, I’m not agreeing. I think people are getting ripped off if they buy this sex tape.”
Well, what other sex tape should they buy, then?
“I don’t think they should buy any sex tape. I think they should just stay at home.”
They are at home. That’s why they need the sex tape.
“I’m not in favor of spicing up one’s home life with – with a sex tape.”
Well…anyway – it’s streaming online.
Have you heard David Hume is coming out with a line of massage oils?
“Don’t. Don’t tempt me.”
“Don’t – I’ll strike your face.”
Let me…just get my helmet on. There.
Creamy coconut. Intangible…tangerine.
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Come on!
Big man, huh? Big man, huh?!?
Oh, shit. Hey!
Stop it! Stop it!
* Dear BT readers, the remaining intended portion of this article by Daemon Mailer about Neitzsche’s new sex tape is currently unavailable at this time. Please check back and see if it is later when the fight has ended – The Brutal Times