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Special Report

Oooh….sounds important. Stop the car, we’d better get out!

Many Misspell ‘Yemen’ as ‘Semen’ when Sexting

By Daemon Mailer, YEMEN – Tempers flared again Saturday as further details emerged showing growing numbers of teenagers, baby-boomers and seniors are constantly mispelling ‘Yemen’ as ‘Semen’ when sexting.

“I think it’s bloody ridiculous” ejaculated Troy Underwood, 23, who is vacationing in Yemen with his mother and her pet. “When I was in school, the sensei would whip us blind if we dared engage in such foolery,” he went on, attracting a small crowd.

CNN & Yahoo Tie for Best 2009 Cute Pet Stories

By Styles Cradgerock, LOS ANGELES – As 2009 dies the horrible death it deserves all of Hollywood is saluting global media giants CNN and Yahoo for delivering the year’s most cutting-edge in-your-face cute pet stories.

In previous years – 2008, 2007 and so on, cute pet stories tended to be eclipsed by political coverage, current events, business news and so on.

But God said from now on, “Let it be otherwise”.

Plunge in Feigned Interest Ruffles Feathers

By Smia Oots, MY ROOM – Jeez winter’s here really givin’ everybody the bum rush.

And so, feigned interest levels have plunged.

People all across America (aka ‘the world’, pre-Oct. 2008) are tuning out.

Man ‘Looks Forward’ to Pay Day

By Business Jesus, BOSTON – President Barack Obama has loosed the hounds of hell on the global economic crisis and so far it’s looking up up up for all the world’s workers and friends of their friends.

The news has been full of how said global economic crisis (or GECK) has been ruffling the feathers of regular folks for like months.

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Why The Beatles Broke Up

By DJ Salinger, LAS VEGAS – I met Ringo in a bar. He told me why The Beatles broke up:

“I was bored, basically.”

Apple & Rubix Unveil iPube

By Smia Oots, BRISBANE – Choosing balmy Brisbane as the setting to showcase their first joint venture, former arch rivals Apple Computer and Rubix blew everyone’s jets when they unveiled what industry insiders are saying is revving up to be the hit of the summer.

What is it?

Meet – the iPube.

Healthy Pets Live Longer

By Smia Oots, BOSTON – Pet lovers are petting themselves on the back and in some other areas, congratulating themselves on the confirmation of what they’ve known for decades: healthy pets live longer.

Batman Fires Robin

By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY – The tentacles of the global economic crisis, or GECK as it is lovingly known by fans, have finally reached Gotham City itself, and into the Louis Vuitton pocketbook of the Batman himself.

Commissioner Gordon announced through his FaceBook homepage that “Batman has fired Robin,” effective as of 4pm this Tuesday March 10.