Author Archives: Business Jesus

About Business Jesus

Your own personal BJ, Business Jesus rowed his dingy ashore to the scattered applause of Wall Street and Main Street. Wiping his hands on his Julian Assange jeans, Daoist Jonesist BJ never sleeps, and never scrolls down. His rants are to be collected this spring in a 24 billion page tome, OK Comptroller, available in tablet or liquid form.

How the Royals Save Money

December 5, 2012

By Business Jesus, LONDON – Ever wonder how the Royals save money?

They don’t.

Posted in Stories For Bottoms

One Billion Killer Baby Names!

December 5, 2011

By Business Jesus, PARIS – Well, it’s that season again, and everybody’s flummoxed as to what to name their kid? No worries, mate! BT and the folks at home have double-teamed on a new eBook that you can download straight […]

Posted in Go Deeper

Exclusive: Top Models Stay Thin by Snorting Cocaine

April 28, 2011

By Smia Oots, Tokyo, GASPANIC SHIBUYA – Tokyo town criers sent tremors through this already much shock-rocked city early this morning when they confirmed what everybody already knew all along.

Top models in Tokyo, Bahrain, and Moscow are staying thin by snorting cocaine.

Posted in Business Jesus

Yale University Job Interview Spoilers

June 19, 2010

By Business Jesus, SUMMER – Yes, summer’s here and the time is right for humpin’ and thumpin’ on a Friday nite. But what about that job thingy? That one you was supposed to get, you know, to keep up your membership in the Skull & Bones social club, and so on?

Well think no more, young Yalie!

Posted in Business Jesus

Man ‘Looks Forward’ to Pay Day

September 24, 2009

By Business Jesus, BOSTON – President Barack Obama has loosed the hounds of hell on the global economic crisis and so far it’s looking up up up for all the world’s workers and friends of their friends.

The news has been full of how said global economic crisis (or GECK) has been ruffling the feathers of regular folks for like months.

Want more?

Posted in Special Report

Casual Mondays Plan Raises Alarm at Goldman Sachs

September 16, 2008

By Business Jesus, NEW YORK CITY- With financial markets in turmoil this week after industry giant Lehman Brothers disintegrated and the once most reliable player on the scene, Merrill Lynch, was gobbled up by the Bank of America, traders and […]

Posted in Business Jesus, Featured Brutality

Water and Oil Hot Properties in 2009

July 25, 2008

Business Jesus (Special to the Brutal Times) – With changing weather patterns, unstable leadership in the Middle East, and a global hipster population that would rather play Nintendo than put their noses to the collective grindstone and innovate their way […]

Posted in Business Jesus, Schadenfreude