Casual Mondays Plan Raises Alarm at Goldman Sachs

By Business Jesus, NEW YORK CITY- With financial markets in turmoil this week after industry giant Lehman Brothers disintegrated and the once most reliable player on the scene, Merrill Lynch, was gobbled up by the Bank of America, traders and regular folk alike are gripping themselves and wondering, “Could there be more?”

Alarms were raised this morning, when another money maverick, Goldman Sachs, announced plans to increase its already polo shirt and chinos heavy work week from three casual days up to four, with the new inclusion of Casual Mondays.

“We had to do it,” Glen Abbot, an human resources human at Sachs said Sunday, between sips of a sugar-free soda. “Markets are shifting, and with that HR needs become further diversified and you’re going to be seeing that reflected in peoples’ salaries- meaning they can’t come to work all dressed up any more to serve you,” he said, adding shortly after, “Sorry.”

The increase in casual slacks, bass weejun slippers, and pastel polos initiated intense introspection among industry insiders gathered at iJoob Joob- a popular party spot with a stupid name.

Among those at Joob Joob arguing against increasing the casual work day, were Dale Stevens, a bond salesman, 32, Lionel Casles, 28, the bartender, and Jimmy, 7, who declined to give his occupation or stop singing. Below is a transcript of their casual off-the-cuff, no-holds-barred,thinking on the issue. I warn you in advance- some of the language will stimulate you sexually, or make you punch a hole in the wall; that’s how I felt when I heard it anyway.

JIMMY: (singing loudly) I’m, I’m an ant, yes I am, no, I’m nant.

CASLES: Hey, hey kid- shut the hell up.

STEVENS: (singing along apparently to the corner jukebox) We’re all- wasted!

JIMMY: I’m, I’m an-

CASLES: (to Stevens) That your kid?

STEVENS: Funny guy.

JIMMY: An ant. No I’m nant-

CASLES: S’ that?

STEVENS: Ha ha ha.

CASLES: You work at Sachs?

STEVENS: Ah ha ha.

CASLES: They let you work there like that?

(evidently a “diss” at Steven’s casual attire- he was wearing a bandanna and a bathing suit).

STEVEN: Jimmy! Way to-go, Jimmy!

At this point my Sony reel-to-reel broke. I keep meaning to purchase one of those handy iPodulars but my wife spends that money on groceries and so I always put it off until next month.

But take my word for it- everyone is so revved up over this issue.

They can’t hardly stand it! I bet more and more we see this story cropping up until we can’t even move because when we get up in the morning to get on the bus to go to work at the mall the story is already there on the bus, driving the bus.

Wait for it!

About Business Jesus

Your own personal BJ, Business Jesus rowed his dingy ashore to the scattered applause of Wall Street and Main Street. Wiping his hands on his Julian Assange jeans, Daoist Jonesist BJ never sleeps, and never scrolls down. His rants are to be collected this spring in a 24 billion page tome, OK Comptroller, available in tablet or liquid form.
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2 Responses to Casual Mondays Plan Raises Alarm at Goldman Sachs

  1. helen jee says:

    hi guys- great job with the stories, keep it up! hey, i was wondering, i really enjoyed the story above, but was the guy who wrote it maybe a little drunk? i do a little writing myself and i was wondering if he needs to take a rest maybe i could write a few stories for him- just part-time to start of course.

    i hope you feel better!

  2. admin says:

    helen, we only accept resumes, or “C.V.s” as you call them in your country of Canada, from strangers we meet in bars. Time Magazine has the same rule.

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