Warm Topic Archives: daemon mailer

Aging Hypocrites Want a Piece of the Pie

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By Daemon Mailer, VERMONT – Angry young people massed themselves into howling packs and began pogoing up and down in riotous response in reaction to the release of a landmark tweet tweeted this morning by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies.

The tweet, which was promptly deleted before it could incite further unrest, apparently asserted old people are jonesing for more than their share of the proverbial planetary pie.

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Nietzsche’s New Sex Tape!

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By Daemon Mailer, HELSINKI – Internet users breathed a heavy sigh of Internet relief this morning at news that the Obama Administration and governments around the globe will allow German philosopher Nietzsche’s new sex tape to stream a little longer.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

For Lefties, the Right Hand is ‘The Stranger’

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By El Toro, with DJ Salinger contributing, IOWA – Yes, for years folks over forty thought Billy Joel was “The Stranger.”

And maybe he was, in a way, in whatever way that might mean.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Steve Jobs’ Perfect Presentation Secrets

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By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – Just like you and me, Apple head honcho Steve Jobs took a fresh body blow yesterday from the news of increased turmoil in the Middle East. With flotillas and vuvuzelas threatening to end the the world’s diverse peoples before we can ride the wave of globalization, etc., is there any news for hope?

Yes.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

MySpace Backing Gaddafi in Social Network War

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By Daemon Mailer, Libya, TRIPOLI – Chief executives from classic rock social networking site MySpace met with Libya’s head honcho, Moammar Ghadafi at Denny’s this morning to hash out plans for a “full frontal” assault on rebel bases held by FaceBook and Twitter, the Brutal Times has learned.

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Shocker: Most U.S. Kids Don’t Know What ‘Don’t Taze me, Bro’ is

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By Daemon Mailer, NEBRASKA – While most news organizations topple over themselves trying to report the same nonnews about North Korea attacking the South this evening, a far more exciting and razzle-dazzle thing has done happened, right underneath their noses, The Brutal Times has learned.

According to a landmark overnite study conducted by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies, most U.S. kids don’t know what “Don’t taze me, bro” is.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Great Oral Tradition of Television Threatened by Internet

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By Daemon Mailer, BOSTON – If you’re among the billions that are stricken with fear at losing their favorite shows due to the gargantuan mammoth called the Internet, you’re not alone. Indeed, a new report by prestigious Carribean think tank MyGoodies has revealed, and is continuing to reveal, that the great oral tradition is threatened by the Internet.

Posted in Schadenfreude | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Satan to become CNN’s New Gadget Specialist

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By Daemon Mailer, KEY WEST – In a classic double-cross, Satan will succeed former Black Flag vocalist Henry Rollins as CNN’s go-to gadget guy. After selling his soul to get the plush CNN jobbie, former Rollins fans Twittered Satan “so many times it really ruffled my feathers,” according to the Big Red One himself.

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Millions Misspell ‘Flotilla’ as ‘Tortilla’ When Sexting

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By Daemon Mailer, THE INTERNET – Millions have manned up this morning to misspelling “flotilla”, a lay term meaning “floating tortilla”, as “tortilla”, a land-bound Mexican delicacy served at Taco Bell.

The misspellings occured mainly during sexting.

Posted in Ask Daemon Mailer | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Reality is Worse than TV

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By Daemon Mailer, NEW YORK CITY – Millions of Americans are apologizing this morning to their long-suffering tv sets as a landmark report issued in the wee hours is confirming what everybody already knew:

Reality is worse than tv.

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