Warm Topic Archives: daemon mailer

Libraries are Killing the Internet

By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – San Francisco, home of the Whopper, pizza, the iPod Touch and the Internet. Its citizens are full of themselves.

Ask them for directions and receive the snub of a lifetime.

“We’re the greatest,” says Pauline Faine, 10, a barista in the trendy Haight-Ashbury stoner district.

But now something else San Francisco invented is killing the Internet: Libraries.

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Interview Schminterbiew

By Ghazala Khan (Special to The Brutal Times) TOKYO –

The following interview was conducted by Ghazala Khan of The Pakistani Spectator. It recalls a friendlier, more innocent time when staff members of The Brutal Times could casually gather around the fried chicken dispensor in the BT offices at Shimokitazawa Hills. A time when birds chirped, but not too loudly. Before the layoffs and the name-calling. Two weeks ago.

Posted in Delicious Toppings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Forgot my Password!

Dear Daemon,

I forgot my password.

Can you send me my password?

Kylie

Posted in Ask Daemon Mailer, Featured Brutality | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

State Of The Union Spoiler: Iraq War ‘Ironic’ Bush Says

By the serge, WASHINGTON (The Brutal Times) – In advance copies of tonight’s State of the Union address obtained by The Brutal Times, President George W Bush reveals his 2003 plan to invade Iraq was “ironic,” and insists that he […]

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Daemon Mailer Tazed At Canadian Airport

By El Toro, TORONTO – Flamboyant Internet pioneer Daemon Mailer was rushed to Toronto’s Grace Hospital early this morning after being repeatedly tazed in front of shocked onlookers at Pearson International Airport. Mailer, who witnesses said appeared “between 30 and […]

Posted in Canaduh, Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

My Son Is Spending Too Much Time In His Room

Dear Damien, I am a stay at home mom. My son Mango spends alot of time using your invention the internet. That’s all fine & dandy and I am glad you made it because you are an American like myself. […]

Posted in Ask Daemon Mailer | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Why Won`t My Friend Text Me Back?

Dear Daemon, I keep texting my fiend Marcie and she wont text me back! is there something i can do to make her text me back?!? I need her to respond to my messages because otherwise how am i supposed […]

Posted in Ask Daemon Mailer | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment