By El Toro, TORONTO – Flamboyant Internet pioneer Daemon Mailer was rushed to Toronto’s Grace Hospital early this morning after being repeatedly tazed in front of shocked onlookers at Pearson International Airport.
Mailer, who witnesses said appeared “between 30 and 40” years of age, was visiting Toronto to attend a private party held by Matsumoto Boy, BB FunCorp’s enigmatic vice-president.
Japanese toy giant BB FunCorp has no production facilities in Canada and refuses to sell its products in the snowbound country, citing an ongoing “difference in philosophies” with current Canadian prime minister, Cock Blocker.
Yet FunCorp recently established a secluded hub of luxury employee facilities in the high-priced Bridle Path neighborhood west of Toronto. Inside FunCorp sources say Matsumoto has been in close consultation with the similarly discreet Mailer since last October in regards to an as-yet-unnamed “transportation product”and invited him to a presentation at the Bridle Path location.
“Five guards, airport guys, jumped him, (Mailer),” said barrista Mavis Badge, 34, who was standing in line a few places behind Mr Mailer at the Northwest Airlines service counter at the time. “Then, these mounties showed up. Everybody was laughing, because they looked so funny, with their uniforms and everything. Then they pulled out their tasers.”
Mr Mailer’s screams cut through the original laughter enough to draw the attention of six or seven uniformed Metro Toronto Police constables, who had been lunching at the adjacent Druxy’s Deli.
“It was pretty much game-over at that point,” said Central Technical School student Glen Hassleback, 17. “But the mounties kept tazing him. One of them even used a crimping iron. I was really surprised.”
What provoked the tazing at this point remains unclear, although at least one fellow passenger on Mailer’s direct flight from Greenland to Toronto commented that he looked “drunk,” and had made “deep growling sounds” while aboard the Airbus aircraft.
Neal Bagnell, a pharmaceutical company employee who was seated next to Mailer, claims that several times Mailer “pestered” him with strange remarks.
“His breath smelled. And he has that long hair. And then he kept pestering me – with inane questions and comments,” Bagnell recounted. I remember, he asked me ‘Do you like the Internet?’ What a stupid question! I didn’t know what to say! So then he turns to me and says ‘Well, I am the Internet,’ and grins this stupid grin. It was unbearable.”
Although many of those interviewed at Pearson Airport expressed surprise and /or a modicum of outrage at the suddenness and forcefullness of the brutal arrest of Mailer, like Mr Bagnell, not all those who witnessed the spectacle were critical of law enforcement officials.
“It was awesome,” said John Collins, a 36-year-old marketing executive visiting from Aspen. “That guy went down! Like downtown. One thing you’ve got to say for Canadian cops – they can take a mother out!”
Mounted police in Canada traditionally possess no arresting powers, but act more as figureheads, in a way much similar to the British Queen. Where once both the Queen and the mounties roamed Canada’s barren western frontier and arrested French border crossers, nowadays both the mustachioed horsemen and the monarch typically limit their authority to posing for tourist snapshots.
Nevertheless, certain “rogue elements” in the Mounted Police, as the mounties are officially known, have taken to arming themselves with electric tazing devices, commonly referred to as “phasers” “beamers” and “love guns” by those in the force.
Prime Minister Blocker issued a brief statement regarding the Mailer tazing in Canada’s House of Commons, which is modeled after the British House of Commons, but possesses no official powers.
“Je vais un petite sal du bain,” he said in French, before being quickly corrected by staffers. Switching to his native English, Mr Blocker said, “Rogue elements of RCMP Royal Canadian Mounted Police force have tazed at Pearson. There will be an inquiry. Following that, we can make a decision how to do it better.”
Mailer remains in hospital at press time.