By Drew Nerts, TOKYO – Being abroad warps a person. It changes you in ways your parents or brothers or sisters could never’ve imagined. Since I came to Japan from my native Cincinnati, I’ve changed so much I don’t even know which top hat I wear really defines me.
I’ve come to own and love a lot of top hats.
But anyway, the big thing I noticed over breaky this morning was how I’ve gone from NWA to NPR.
By Styles Cradgerock, TEXAS – Hot on the heels of the crushing body blow delivered to the U.S. President, the American Barack Obama by his party’s mid-term election upset, the question on everybody’s chapped lips is, “Will she run?” (“she” being Hillary, and “run” being for Mr. Obama’s current jobbie as leader of the free world).
Town criers and barely able to function baristas peppered Mrs. Clinton, whom also goes by the nom de plume Hillary, with questions about her height, favorite foods, and iPod contents.
“How about in 2016?” pressed Brutal Times intern Pfaff Onclear, 15, in between bites of a chicken falafel.
By Smia Oots, TORONTO – As sub zero temps blast through this sub-standard city of 17,000 tongues were wagging with a new-found consensus that seemed poised to derail the confidence of at least one Greater Toronto man.
A man, believing himself to be be funny for years, has been clinically proven to be unfunny.
By Grande Chef Otto, TOKYO – Japan has shown China it is superior once again with Japanese technology giant BB FunCorp’s unveiling of Smorgasborg, the Gastronomic Cyborg yesterday at Denny’s.
Many weaklings in the audience vomited profusely when the saw the dishes Smorgas, had made.
By DJ Salinger, VANCOUVER – In what could only be described as the fulfillment of any record store clerk’s wildest sexual fantasy, Gavin Forthebream, 30, a part-time cashier at Virgin Records MegaStore found a lone copy of mythical Huey Lewis and The News album “Server Not Found” at tea time on Monday.
“It was on the shelf – in the Huey Lewis and The News section,” Mr Forthebream said, in a not too pleasing voice.
By Shane Butter, TOKYO – Oh god, how I was so looking forward to the new Friday the 13th movie. I read the book last summer during reading week as a break from grading my philosophy grad student papers, and when I heard they were gonna make a movie outta the thing I pooped my pants!
