Delicious Topping

Stories For Bottoms

‘Kay, so there’ s one way to look at this – Stories for Bottoms could be like, the background – y’know, the backbeat, uh, foundation (?) for the news towncriers are shouting aboot in yer town? Let me try that again. ‘Kay, so there’s another way to look at this, which is…that these are stories that like kinda faded outta the news, y’konw like the earthquake in Haiti or the fact that New Orleans still hasn’t been rebuilt since Katrina…or – naw, it’s probably just a sex thing.

I’ve Gone From NWA to NPR

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By Drew Nerts, TOKYO – Being abroad warps a person. It changes you in ways your parents or brothers or sisters could never’ve imagined. Since I came to Japan from my native Cincinnati, I’ve changed so much I don’t even know which top hat I wear really defines me.

I’ve come to own and love a lot of top hats.

But anyway, the big thing I noticed over breaky this morning was how I’ve gone from NWA to NPR.

Hillary Clinton Announces 2112 Presidential Run

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By Styles Cradgerock, TEXAS – Hot on the heels of the crushing body blow delivered to the U.S. President, the American Barack Obama by his party’s mid-term election upset, the question on everybody’s chapped lips is, “Will she run?” (“she” being Hillary, and “run” being for Mr. Obama’s current jobbie as leader of the free world).

Town criers and barely able to function baristas peppered Mrs. Clinton, whom also goes by the nom de plume Hillary, with questions about her height, favorite foods, and iPod contents.

“How about in 2016?” pressed Brutal Times intern Pfaff Onclear, 15, in between bites of a chicken falafel.

Only 1 in 5 Serial Killers is Witty

By Smia Oots, TORONTO – Despite our steady diet of witty serial killers injested from fabulus digital video digitals (DVDs), in reality fewer than five serial killers is witty, according to a landmark report submitted to the UN by Canada’a Barack Obama, Canadian Prime Minister, Cock Blocker.

Man Who Thinks He’s Funny, Isn’t

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By Smia Oots, TORONTO – As sub zero temps blast through this sub-standard city of 17,000 tongues were wagging with a new-found consensus that seemed poised to derail the confidence of at least one Greater Toronto man.

A man, believing himself to be be funny for years, has been clinically proven to be unfunny.

Smorgasborg: The Gastronomic Cyborg

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By Grande Chef Otto, TOKYO – Japan has shown China it is superior once again with Japanese technology giant BB FunCorp’s unveiling of Smorgasborg, the Gastronomic Cyborg yesterday at Denny’s.

Many weaklings in the audience vomited profusely when the saw the dishes Smorgas, had made.

Found! Legendary Lost Huey Lewis Album

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By DJ Salinger, VANCOUVER – In what could only be described as the fulfillment of any record store clerk’s wildest sexual fantasy, Gavin Forthebream, 30, a part-time cashier at Virgin Records MegaStore found a lone copy of mythical Huey Lewis and The News album “Server Not Found” at tea time on Monday.

“It was on the shelf – in the Huey Lewis and The News section,” Mr Forthebream said, in a not too pleasing voice.

Friday the 13th: the Book Was Better

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By Shane Butter, TOKYO – Oh god, how I was so looking forward to the new Friday the 13th movie. I read the book last summer during reading week as a break from grading my philosophy grad student papers, and when I heard they were gonna make a movie outta the thing I pooped my pants!

Led Zepplin Offer Amnesty To Fans Who Can’t Spell

By DJ Salinger ENGLAND (London) – Despite the undeniably joyous atmosphere that reigned here at London’s prestigious 02 arena as rock giants Led Zeppelin prepared to take the stage for a long-awaited business reunion Monday, one burning question hung over […]