Warm Topic Archives: Presidential Daily Brief

For Lefties, the Right Hand is ‘The Stranger’

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By El Toro, with DJ Salinger contributing, IOWA – Yes, for years folks over forty thought Billy Joel was “The Stranger.”

And maybe he was, in a way, in whatever way that might mean.

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Why Try Harder?: 2012 Republican Presidential Master Debate 8 Spoilers

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By Styles Cradgerock,Florida, ORLANDO- Who’d want to go and sit through another Republican 2012 Presidential Master Debate? But with The Serge off sick and Barry Husein confined to his room I drew the short straw and jetted off from Tokyo to sunny Orlando, Florida to sleep through most of it, the 7th Republican Master Debate in as many weeks.

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2012 Republican Presidential Master Debate Director’s Cut

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The following is a Director’s Cut of the 2012 Republican presidential debate on Sept. 7, 2011, in Simi Valley, Calif., as corrected by The Brutal Times.

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Obama’s Bin Laden is Dead Speech: The Director’s Cut

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By Styles Cradgerock,WASHINGTON – Vital edutainment from U.S. President Barack Obama’s speech last night, confirming the death of Osama bin Laden was accidentally left on the White House cutting room floor, The Brutal Times has learned. The following is a Director’s Cut of the entire speech, with the president’s original 2008 campaign personality faithfully reassembled by fans old enough to remember.

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Hillary Clinton Announces 2112 Presidential Run

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By Styles Cradgerock, TEXAS – Hot on the heels of the crushing body blow delivered to the U.S. President, the American Barack Obama by his party’s mid-term election upset, the question on everybody’s chapped lips is, “Will she run?” (“she” being Hillary, and “run” being for Mr. Obama’s current jobbie as leader of the free world).

Town criers and barely able to function baristas peppered Mrs. Clinton, whom also goes by the nom de plume Hillary, with questions about her height, favorite foods, and iPod contents.

“How about in 2016?” pressed Brutal Times intern Pfaff Onclear, 15, in between bites of a chicken falafel.

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Embassy Staff Disappointed Mysterious White Powder Not Cocaine

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By Barry Hussein, TEL AVIV – Canadian Embassy staff here are reeling from the discovery that a mysterious white powder found in an envelope sent to the embasssy is not cocaine.

“We wanted to snort it so bad,” ejaculated Bismark Suffolk, 20, an immune diplomat who heard about the powder. “But they said they weren’t sure it was cocaine, so we’d better not,” he went on.

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General Urko Irked as Obama Picks Petraeus

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By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON – Fearsome warlord General Urko is said to be “quaking with venomous rage” at U.S. president, the American Barack Obama’s choice to pass him over for the plumb position of new commander of U.S. forces in the Afghan humanitarian intervention

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Jan Brewer is Dehydrated

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By Styles Cradegerock, WASHINGTON – U.S. President, the American Barack Obama, sat down with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer recently and noticed alarming signs of dyhydration in her face.

“Evian?” he quipped.

“She needs to stay out of the sun, get a big floppy hat and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize,” he went on.

Obama said he understood the governor’s dehydration problem as he “personally struggled with dehydration myself” as a child.

“I..didn’t..get enough water,” he kept talking.

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North Korea Accused of Snubbing South at Trendy Cafe

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By Styles Cradgerock, SEOUL – People’ve got a tear in their beer over here as former buddies North and South Korea have ceased speaking, emailing , or chatting online. Oh no. Hot sweaty tensions were ratched up and ramped up […]

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Iraq Parliamentary Election Spoilers

Iraqi policemen examine the remains of a vehicle used in a bomb attack in Najaf

By Barry Hussein, BAGHDAD – As you find yourself spent from the Olympics and the Academy Awards you’re probably gonna wanna bone up on the key players in this weeks’ exciting Iraqi parliamentary elections. We at the Brutal Times care about your street cred and status as “that cool kid” on your block. So, for all the piping hot spoilers about this year’s democratic vote that time fergot, see below, Joe.

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