Warm Topic Archives: cock blocker

Boring

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By Smia Oots, TOKYO – Obama.

Arcade Fire.

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Only 1 in 5 Serial Killers is Witty

By Smia Oots, TORONTO – Despite our steady diet of witty serial killers injested from fabulus digital video digitals (DVDs), in reality fewer than five serial killers is witty, according to a landmark report submitted to the UN by Canada’a Barack Obama, Canadian Prime Minister, Cock Blocker.

Posted in Stories For Bottoms | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

‘I Went Camping with Axl Rose’ Cock Blocker Insists

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By Cock Blocker, Honorable Prime Minister du Canada, Special to The Brutal Times, Tender Foot Provincial Park, Northern Ont. CANADA -

So, seriously I know it was him!

I prefer to camp alone because my job is shit and my wife’s a bitch and she hates camping. I like to come out as soon as the locks thaw out enough to get the doors open.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Madonna Wants to Adopt a Canadian

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By DJ Salinger, TORONTO – Charismatic wall of spunk Canadian Prime Minister Cock Blocker is preparing Team Blocker to deal with Madonna over her rumored plans to adopt a Canadian before summer’s end.

“Le priminister du Canada, Monseiur Cocque Blocquer will not permit such a thing to happen without much money flowing into his secret pants pocket,” insisted Remy LeFontaine, 12.

Posted in Hollywood Pap | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Dust Mite Circus Linked to Migraines

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By The Serge, MONTREAL – Canada’s famed dust mite circus, Le Cirque du Dust Mite, has suffered a crushing blow today as a landmark Icelandic study has found proof viewing the talented mites can be linked to intense migraine headaches in audience members.

The migraines last for up to 40 years.

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Shocker: You Can See a Girl’s Ass with Low Rider Jeans

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By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY – Warning: Portions of this article are unfit for those adverse to being shock-rocked. Make sure you’re sitting down before continuing further.

Ready?

Millions of pairs of popular low rider jeans like the type Britney Spears wears are being recalled due to the shocking revelation that the jeans reveal large portions of the wearer’s ass to the viewing public.

Posted in Schadenfreude | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Friday the 13th: the Book Was Better

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By Shane Butter, TOKYO – Oh god, how I was so looking forward to the new Friday the 13th movie. I read the book last summer during reading week as a break from grading my philosophy grad student papers, and when I heard they were gonna make a movie outta the thing I pooped my pants!

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1979 Commission Rules ‘Punk’s not Dead’

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By DJ Salinger, WASHINGTON – Music fans around the globe are rejoicing in news that one of rock’s most treasured genres – that of “punk rock” has been officially declared “very much alive” by a bi-partisan Congressional Commission which had been studying the issue on weekends since 1983.

Posted in Hollywood Pap, Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments