By The Serge, TORONTO – U.S. President Barack Obama must have been kicking himself yesterday for his poorly-timed announcement celebrating the capture of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden. TV and Internet viewers quickly cut away from Obama’s speech last night to watch previously unreleased highlights of Canaduh’s federal election master debate, held…maybe last week sometime. The master debate heavily factors in to most Canadians decision to elect the tiny country’s next leader, known traditionally by the honorific, “Cock Blocker”.
By Styles Cradgerock, GUAM – Overshadowing Japan’s recent magnitude 9.0 earthquake and the U.S. Libyan humanitarian intervention, Canaduh’s 2011 federal election racheted up this morning when Billy, my neighbor and confidante, passed on something he had heard from someone.
Michael Ignatieff was born in Guam.
By Smia Oots, THE HOLY CITY OF TORONTO – Anarchists dressed in eye-numbing colored jumpsuits, bathing trunks and business attire hurled themselves against each other and their own underground condo, Toronto’s fashionable Queen’s Quay residence, The Anarchy Condos At No Fixed Address
By The Serge, MONTREAL – Canada’s famed dust mite circus, Le Cirque du Dust Mite, has suffered a crushing blow today as a landmark Icelandic study has found proof viewing the talented mites can be linked to intense migraine headaches in audience members.
The migraines last for up to 40 years.
By Ohashi Jozu, Belleville Ontario, CANADA – I wept when they sentenced me to board the plane to the arctic country of Canada. This frozen wasteland was made most famous as the site of the fantastic movie Narnia. In that movie there is a tiger which can pull kids along on a sleigh and it looks so thrilling. But Canada is not such a place – its’ cold dehumanizing tundra drives most of the residents here mad within one year. All of this is well-known within Japan, which is why we go to America instead.
By Marshall Stack, TORONTO-
The Canadian spring is now nearing lateness, and all about is green with life. Squirrels are screaming in the trees as raccoons shuffle earthward to defecate.
By Grande Chef Otto, VANCOUVER – VANCOUVER – With the arrival of the first bitter winter wind to this popular international tourist hotspot came also the first blasts and echoes of burpguns and mortars. No, Vancouver has not suddenly been [...]
By El Toro, TORONTO – Flamboyant Internet pioneer Daemon Mailer was rushed to Toronto’s Grace Hospital early this morning after being repeatedly tazed in front of shocked onlookers at Pearson International Airport. Mailer, who witnesses said appeared “between 30 and [...]
By Marshall Stack, CANADA (Thornloe) -In the normally tepid hamlet of Thornloe, Ontario, there is an air brewing in the air. There is a buzz around the lone traffic light and the door of the convenience store is being opened and summarily closed far more often than usual. Why the sturm und drang?
By Hank Bonner, TORONTO – Michael Conti, a Grade 10 student honor student at Toronto’s prestigious Central
Technical School found himself at the centre of a
fierce dispute between his parents, a highly-revered teacher, and
school administrators Thursday morning.