Canada`s Giraffe Hunt Begins

By Grande Chef Otto, VANCOUVER –

giraffe-head-brutaltimes.jpgVANCOUVER – With the arrival of the first bitter winter wind to this popular international tourist hotspot came also the first blasts and echoes of burpguns and mortars.

No, Vancouver has not suddenly been transformed into Sadr City, Iraq, and as yet humans remain for the most part left out of the gunsights of the combatants in this winter war. Yet despite the lack of Canadian casualties some are howling for hunters to hand in their arms even before Canada’s controversial annual giraffe hunt officially begins.

Kyle Mobile, a 21 year-old Digg user, came all the way from Iowa to interfere in Canada’s internal affairs.

“I just don’t see why, or how they (Canadians) need to eat giraffe meat,” he said.

Giraffe meat is particularly prized in Vancouver, where giraffe are rare. A single slice of giraffe amounting to only what would be used on a delicious Canadian giraffe burger can fetch up to 260 Canadian dollars, (or 550 American dollars).

Professional Canadian big game hunters flock to Vancouver every season hoping to bag enough giraffe to send their children to prestigious universities or outfit their wives and mistresses in big-ticket items like designer jeans from Europe.

The seasonal financial windfall which the slaughter of up to twenty-five thousand giraffes brings to the mostly male Canadian hunters has become an addiction to many of those who turn out for the hunt each January.

“I thought my wife would be happy after I got her designer jeans,” said hunter Wayne Norell, 41. “But she wanted more jeans; she wanted all the jeans in the world.”

Norell is not alone.

“The hunters make a choice – sure they love the giraffes, who doesn’t? But their wives, girlfriends and partners love the jeans, and that’s what brings them out here year after year,” said Fern Tallar, a waitress at Craggy’s Cove Steakhouse, which is renowned in Vancouver for its giraffe burgers. “We do have a veggie burger,” Tallar added, “but it’s not very popular.”

Despite Canadians’ impassioned hunger for giraffe, the international community has shown scant sympathy towards the men and women who gather annually to slaughter the towering beasts, which grow to heights almost twice that of the average Vancouver home.

Like Iowan protester Mr Mobile, Japanese English student Abe Ken travelled from far away to try and stop the harpooning of the imported African animals.

“Why they must do such a thing? Why?” Mr Abe asked locals as hundreds of heavily dressed hunters revved snowmobiles and polished harpoons in preparation for the hunt. “Where is Greenpeace?” Abe wanted to know.

Environmental organization Greenpeace has long opposed the hunt-for-jeans ethic which is much celebrated in traditional Canadian communities. “It’s stupid,” said Vancouver Greenpeace spokesperson Caroline Wilder, when she was interviewed in 2006 by The Brutal Times’ Styles Cradgerock. “Why can’t they just go to the store and buy jeans?” she asked.

But Greenpeace changed course on the hunt last August when Wilder herself was bitten on the face by Tammy, a minituare girrafe on loan from Kenya and on display in Vancouver’s Market Square Zoo. Although, unharmed Wilder brooded in her bungalo apartment for days. “To be honest, I didn’t much care for giraffe after one tried to bite my face off,” she confessed.

Greenpeace has since ordered its forces to unofficially stand down during the hunt, which lasts January 16 through to April 1.

During that time Lance Berrings, 21, of Toronto says he hopes “I bag me enough g-raff to put my whole family in designer jeans.”

About Grande Chef Otto

GCO is a third generation Grade AAA Grande Chef, whom has served France with distinction since first garnering the honor in 1963.The title of "Grande Chef" is bestowed by the prestigious Paris L'Ecole du Piscine Noir uponst those rare experts in the culinary arts willing to take unprecedented risks in the pursuit of achieving gastronomic perfection. He is also the proud owner of the award-winning bistros Ssh..Kebab, and Pasta La Vista.
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20 Responses to Canada`s Giraffe Hunt Begins

  1. nancy glassman says:

    it’s sad to see Canada’s original culture treated so poorly by foreigners.

    • haha says:

      I would also like to try giraffe, they are animals just like cows or chickens. killing them is normal so shut your fucking mouths you dumb liberal scum

  2. erin fetterly says:

    Um, am i alone in finding it more than a little disturbing that Canadians are killing these fantastic living things…to get jeans?

  3. beth lee says:

    it is too bad that a better description was not offered of the jeans – they are exceptional, especially by Canadian standards.

  4. hirosawa etsuko says:

    what is the taste? in japan canadas salmon is very famous but regarding giraffe we japanese dont know it well. how about in america?

  5. mr. impossible says:

    I completely disagree with the hunt. since skidoos have been introduced as the hunters vehicle of choice, all the sportmanship and skill in harpooning a giraffe has gone out the tent flap.

  6. conCerned citiZen says:

    I blame rap music and Michael Vicks for glorifying this yearly atrocity!!

  7. minako says:

    i like rap music! doyoulike rap music too?!? in japan it is called hiphop!

  8. elton says:

    hey minako what`s up? my name is elton. can you tell me about japanese hip hop? i`m studying japanese in
    gunma. can you teach me japanese?

  9. mel gibson says:

    hi there minako & elton! i guess you two are living in japan. i just discovered this website, mostly because julia reccommended i read ordinary people. but i noticed you guys made some great comments and i thought i would try and contact you. i’m gonna be in tokyo next year to shoot a movie about the japanese royal family, with me as the empereor. would you be interested in being in the film? the parts i’m offering are just minor roles of course, but we have great catering and some days there is free beer. let me know!

  10. bartlett van maulder III says:

    i want to be in the movie mel!!! i dont live in japan – i live in england, but im willing to fly anywhere to be in pictures. by the way, how does the movie end? is it like braveheart? if so, can i be the one to chop off your head? its just a joke! any role is fine, just let ME know.

  11. Nick says:

    I don’t like this, Giraffes are my favorite animal. Fuck Canada

  12. admin says:

    Nick – although the Internet machine is generally considered free, robots surf sites looking for private information such as peoples’ ‘favorite animals’. By naming your animal freely you may have divulged your banking and porno information. Unless you’re having us on and the giraffe is not your favorite animal. In that case, kudos.

  13. minako says:

    i like poo san! doyouknowit?!? it is japaneese poosan bear.

  14. prince says:

    when i visited toronto i saw a talking giraffe.

  15. troy james macfarlaine says:

    no prince – that was me. and i think you owe me an apology. an apology worth half of what you own.

  16. minako says:

    hi troy! im minako, 22, japaneese girl! i like tv game, surf an internet and so on!

  17. helen jee says:

    giraffes don’t live in canada. my sister wrote her thesis on them and my best friend is married to one so I should know. i guess you probably expect me to swear now for emphasis, but i won’t give you that satisfaction.

  18. Kendra says:

    I am quite enjoying the giraffe hunt this year. I, alone, have harpooned 10 of the 25, 000 giraffes and have filled an entire room in my house with fabulous designer jeans! My whole family is now stylish everyday! And those giraffe burgers, don’t even get me started… AHHHHHH THEY’RE SO GOOOOODD!!!!!

  19. kmobile8 says:

    Dear sirs, and madame? I found this website on stumbleupon and saw that you used my name in the article. I want $300.

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