Author Archives: Grande Chef Otto

About Grande Chef Otto

GCO is a third generation Grade AAA Grande Chef, whom has served France with distinction since first garnering the honor in 1963.The title of "Grande Chef" is bestowed by the prestigious Paris L'Ecole du Piscine Noir uponst those rare experts in the culinary arts willing to take unprecedented risks in the pursuit of achieving gastronomic perfection. He is also the proud owner of the award-winning bistros Ssh..Kebab, and Pasta La Vista.

Diet Earth: The Earth is Too Fat

June 23, 2012

By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Pittsburgh, the corner of the globe. A place where everyone knows your name. A small town. A place where nine out of ten scientists are saying what we’ve all known all along.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto, Latest Brutality

Lack of Kitchen Counter Space in Libya Political Hot Potato for Rebels

September 8, 2011

By Grande Chef Otto, TRIPOLI – Because there was nothing else on we were stuck watching that revolution thingy in Libya? The one which should have been exciting since their dictator dresses like Michael Jackson and has more attitude than Snoop Doggie, but is actually a snore fest since now all the other channels got wars on `em too?

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief

Mom Hates it When Kids Get Crumbs on the Table

May 12, 2011

By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Mom hates it when kids get crumbs on the table.

Know why?

Mom’s had a long hard day and when she gets home she doesn’t need the aggravation.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto

Employees Don’t Have to Wash Their Hands Anymore

April 21, 2011

By Grande Chef Otto, TORONTO – Employees don’t have to wash their hands anymore, thanks to a tiny blast of laissez-faire attitude stemming from last weeks’ Canadian federal election debate in a garage at CBC.

Whatwhatwhat?!?

Posted in Featured Brutality

Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich Popularity to Skyrocket in 2013

January 4, 2011
Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich Popularity to Skyrocket in 2011

By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Among the many exciting predictions for 2013, younger sister of famed predictor Nostradamus, Coco Nostradamus, says more people across the globe will eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches this year than maybe at any other year in the history of the worlds’ diverse peoples.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto

Chicken is So Versatile

November 14, 2010

By Grande Chef Otto, CHICAGO – The great thing about chicken is it’s so versatile. It’s legal, in my mind, to do just about anything to a chicken, and if you’re not particularly religious or a clean freak of some sort, I’d reccommend slipping out while the Google Street View’s not looking and picking up some poulet for some backyard or rooftop cooking.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto

J.R.R. Tolkien Wrote a Book about Onion Rings

August 12, 2010

By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Fans of Hogwarts are squirming more than they care to admit as town criers at Denny’s say J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a book about onion rings.

“First of all, it’s not ‘Hogwarts – it’s Middle Earth,” whined Hogwarts fan Heather Bille, 50. “What’s more is the genious who created Middle Earth, J.R.R Tolkien, was also secretly a lover of fast food,” she went on, not blinking.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto

Take Out Food is Healthier Than Home Cooked Food

June 22, 2009

By Grande Chef Otto, Paris, THE LOUVRE – Bob Lomax lifts weights four times a day. He wakes at 4:31 am, rinses his balls in an imported basin from Bahrain, and meditates in Japanese for nine minutes while his second “wife” Vickers prepares a delicate vitamin powerhouse pureed and mulched (basically the same thing I know) in an eleven hundred dollar pureeing mulching machine from Sicily.

Bob has had seventy four heart attacks.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto

A Brutal Guide to Shimokitazawa 2: Lunching

April 21, 2009

By Grande Chef Otto, Tokyo, SHIMOKITAZAWA – I know I know, you’re all shaking your collective headbanging heads wondering why I’d go and do such a crazy thing.

Eat out in Shimokitazawa.

Well I was hungry.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto, Japan

Got Allergies? Try Charles Manson’s Cookie Diet

March 20, 2009

By Grande Chef Otto, LOS ANGELES – A lot of people I know are suffering from allergies these days – hay fever, peanut butter, claustrophobia and arachnophobia being at the top of the list.

But a nifty new diet developed by charismatic California convict Charles Manson is headed straight to your cuisine rescue, courtesy of Japanese impressario Matsumoto Boy and his casually-dressed office tower full of plebes and flunkies.

The product? Charles Manson’s cookie diet.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto