Employees Don’t Have to Wash Their Hands Anymore

By Grande Chef Otto, TORONTO – Employees don’t have to wash their hands anymore, thanks to a tiny blast of laissez-faire attitude stemming from last weeks’ Canadian federal election debate in a garage at CBC.


Employees, especially those making the subs we chow down and king-sized coffees we slurp, no longer have to wash their hands after wiping their balls or nether parts. And this may well be related to a new attitude amongst the tattooed love children of downtown Toronto.

One more, please.

Before, say a week ago? A guy or gal making your sandwich or coffee would have to wash his her its fingers, especially under the nails because of cooties and so on.

Not anymore.

“After sitting back in my mother’s basement and watching the master debates between Stephen Harper, Michael Ignatieff, Jack Layton and Gilles Ducepe’s eyes, I couldn’t help but think, ‘Fuck this, I’m not washing my hands anymore,'” ejaculated Drake Smyth, a 45-year-old barista at Cafe Ebola in downtown Toronto.

“Yes, of course, anyone can see that free persons in a free country such as Canaduh needn’t bother to wash their hands before food prep. It is so stupid,” Hoffet Goines, 24, a young person of Montreal chimed, warming to a theme.

For a long time, employees (staff) were forced to wash their hands.

“It was horrible, bro,” Natalie Kam, 30, a waitress at posh Toronto bistro Ssh..Kebab confided.

What kind of soap did you use?

“No, I didn’t use soap.”

No so-

“I used floorwax and Agent Orange.”


“I’m suing Canada.”


“Canada should know about my plight.”


“Here comes my bus.”

Even more damning, her story was/is actually more interesting than the top stories in the Canadian news, which are mostly aboot the royal wedding (barf) the Canadian election (please) and the surging Canadian dollar (I’m on my way to buy crack now).

Prove me wrong.

About Grande Chef Otto

GCO is a third generation Grade AAA Grande Chef, whom has served France with distinction since first garnering the honor in 1963.The title of "Grande Chef" is bestowed by the prestigious Paris L'Ecole du Piscine Noir uponst those rare experts in the culinary arts willing to take unprecedented risks in the pursuit of achieving gastronomic perfection. He is also the proud owner of the award-winning bistros Ssh..Kebab, and Pasta La Vista.
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3 Responses to Employees Don’t Have to Wash Their Hands Anymore

  1. tracy higgins says:

    your attitude towards the royal wedding is pretty sad and petty. i guess your ivory tower fits pretty snug, right?

  2. big jim says:

    the royal wedding was an inside job, rob!

  3. kmobile8 says:

    well. the royal wedding was a game changer for most, but it never meant * to me/ that sucker was simple and plain/ motherfuck him and john wayne/