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Warm Topic Archives: barry hussein
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to be Extended to all Branches of Government
November 10, 2010
By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON D.C. – Showing a flash of pizazz, U.S. President, the American Barack Obama has ordered that the U.S. military’s controversial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which requires that service members not ask or disclose their sexual orientation, be implemented in all branches of the U.S. Government as of Christmas Day.
“So, when you, say – let’s say you’re going into a – Department of Motor Vehicles, AND – you want to…renew your driver’s license…AND – you walk up to the counter and you say to the person working there, “Hi, I’m just wondering where I go to get my photo taken.” Well, as of December 25th…2010…you’re not going to be able to ask that question anymore, unless you want to be arrested and… they’re not going to be able to tell you where to get that photo taken…unless they want to get arrested themselves, too,” Obama quipped.
Embassy Staff Disappointed Mysterious White Powder Not Cocaine
August 12, 2010
By Barry Hussein, TEL AVIV – Canadian Embassy staff here are reeling from the discovery that a mysterious white powder found in an envelope sent to the embasssy is not cocaine.
“We wanted to snort it so bad,” ejaculated Bismark Suffolk, 20, an immune diplomat who heard about the powder. “But they said they weren’t sure it was cocaine, so we’d better not,” he went on.
General Urko Irked as Obama Picks Petraeus
June 28, 2010
By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON – Fearsome warlord General Urko is said to be “quaking with venomous rage” at U.S. president, the American Barack Obama’s choice to pass him over for the plumb position of new commander of U.S. forces in the Afghan humanitarian intervention
Posted in Presidential Daily Brief
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Tagged afghanistan, barry hussein, cornelius, dr. zaius, dwayne nostradamus, general petraeus, General Urko, mitt romney, Presidential Daily Brief, romulus, sports metaphors, stanley mcchystal, starship troopers, the American barack obama, the beastie boys, the brutal times, the planet of the apes, twitter, white house beer garden
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Iraq Parliamentary Election Spoilers
March 8, 2010
By Barry Hussein, BAGHDAD – As you find yourself spent from the Olympics and the Academy Awards you’re probably gonna wanna bone up on the key players in this weeks’ exciting Iraqi parliamentary elections. We at the Brutal Times care about your street cred and status as “that cool kid” on your block. So, for all the piping hot spoilers about this year’s democratic vote that time fergot, see below, Joe.
Posted in Iraq, Presidential Daily Brief
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Tagged barry hussein, iraq parliamentary elections, Presidential Daily Brief, the brutal times
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U.S. Not Leaving Afghanistan, Just ‘Wants to See Other People for Awhile’
October 7, 2009
By Barry Hussein, KABUL – U.S.A. America defense minister Robert Gates brushed off rapid fire interrogation from town criers gathered at Denny’s yesterday, as they (the criers) demanded to know if the United States (U.S.A America) was leaving Afghanistan as rumored on the street.
“Oh no you guys,” Gates said, “we just want to see other people for awhile.”
Posted in Presidential Daily Brief
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Tagged afghanistan, barry hussein, break ups, breaking up is hard to do, couples, dennys, hillary hot rodham clinton, obama, Presidential Daily Brief, pringles, relationship advice, Robert Gates, sour cream and onion chips, the brutal times, town criers
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A Penetrating Look Inside McCain
September 29, 2009
By Barry Hussein, TEXAS – Maverick Arizona senator and recent candidate for US president John McCain is hard at work applying the finishing touches to his tell-all campaign trail memoir, “Inside McCain”, due out this Christmas.
After McCain fell asleep last night at his standing desk (that’s right – he sleeps upright) I sneaked round him and by tongs pulled the moist manuscript from a secret location on his person where it had been secretly secreted.
Neck & Penis Close to Bush, Report Says
June 18, 2009
By Barry Hussein, LOS ANGELES – Industry fashion plate Neck & Penis have embraced Bush in areas where the majority of others have shied away, according to a new report published by prestigious Caribbean think-tank MyGoodies.
Posted in Presidential Daily Brief
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Tagged barry hussein, bush, Business Jesus, mygoodies, neck & penis, neck and penis, sears, the brutal times
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North Korea Launches Naughty Rocket
April 5, 2009
By Barry Hussein, PYONGYANG – North Korea got almost no attention from anyone under 5o today when it behaved “very naughtily” and launched an enormous throbbing Taepodong missile rocket thingy into outer space.
“I don’t care about the rocket – it’s boring,” said Koari Mitsui, 21, a juniour college student at Tokyo’s prestigious International School of Beans & Nail Arts.
Americans didn’t know where North Korea was.
Obama’s Icy Stare a Hit with Kids, Seniors
March 25, 2009
By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON – Members of the Washington press are beside themselves with the new knowledge that America’s first black president Obama is easy to tease.
On Monday when a reporter asked the president about Rags, the top secret pooch who was flown into the White House under the cover of night and so onMr Obama, 47, fixed the reporter, InfoSandwich’s Gary Lobster, with an icy stare.
“As you know, Rags is of topic,” he said.
The icy stare has become a hit with kids and seniors.
Posted in Presidential Daily Brief
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Tagged american history, barack obama, barry hussein, icy stare, infosandwich, jazz man, kids, obama's dog, obama's icy stare, pets, Presidential Daily Brief, rags, reagan, seniors, the brutal times
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McCain to Meet with Nice Iraqi Envoy
March 15, 2009
By Barry Hussein, UTAH – That guy who lost the presidential election last year, John McCain, will meet with a nice Iraqi envoy at Denny’s this week, according to InfoSandwich News Service reports.
“Yeah, I’m gonna meet – what’s his name? George Thompson, an Iraqi envoy this week and get the lowdown on what the situation on the ground is over there,” McCain said, grinning like it meant something.
“Oh I get it, but what does your grin mean?” I asked the big loser.