Warm Topic Archives: town criers

J.R.R. Tolkien Wrote a Book about Onion Rings

By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Fans of Hogwarts are squirming more than they care to admit as town criers at Denny’s say J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a book about onion rings.

“First of all, it’s not ‘Hogwarts – it’s Middle Earth,” whined Hogwarts fan Heather Bille, 50. “What’s more is the genious who created Middle Earth, J.R.R Tolkien, was also secretly a lover of fast food,” she went on, not blinking.

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The Brutal Times Best of 2009

By Santa, Tokyo, SHIMOKITAZAWA – Well, Boys & Girls, it’s that most wonderful time of the year once again when they let Santa write an article here at BT.

(Correction – this is Santa’s first article for BT, since being hired well over ayear ago – Ed.)

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U.S. Not Leaving Afghanistan, Just ‘Wants to See Other People for Awhile’

By Barry Hussein, KABUL – U.S.A. America defense minister Robert Gates brushed off rapid fire interrogation from town criers gathered at Denny’s yesterday, as they (the criers) demanded to know if the United States (U.S.A America) was leaving Afghanistan as rumored on the street.

“Oh no you guys,” Gates said, “we just want to see other people for awhile.”

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James Brown is Dead, China Says

By DJ Salinger, BEIJING – Early reports coming out of this world-class Olympic city are confirming what the rest of the world has believed to be true for well over a year – that James Brown has died.

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Guns N’ Roses Change Name to N’

By DJ Salinger, LOS ANGELES – This city of Angels, made popular by the once popular Red Hot Chili Peppers, was shock-rocked late this afternoon when Horace the town crier, who has replaced the LA Times as the most-often consulted news source, cried “GN’R change name to N’, GN’R change name to N'”.

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