Delicious Topping

Hollywood Pap

We had to do this, otherwise you’d never talk to us again. Celebrities – Hollywood – without it, them we’d cease to exist.

Is Ben Afleck U.S. Cinema’s Enfant Terrible?

By Smia Oots, Los Angeles, HOLLYWOOD

Straight Man To Play Gay Man in Movie

By The Serge, HOLLYWOOD NORTH – Movie fans are famous for complaining that the producers of Hollywood’s biggest films have long since run out of ideas, but as the major studios get ready to battle at the box office this Halloween they may do well to hold onto their tongues and get ready for an explosion of creative juices, the likes the silver screen has never seen before.

Clones Ruffle Identical Twins’ Feathers

By Smia Oots, HOLLYWOOD – As more and more clones move into the neighborhood and take jobs belonging to identical twins a growing echo of whining is spirally out of control in online chat rooms and some of the worst-kept public rest rooms in the city.

“I don’t like clones, ok?” ejaculated Uger Goolens, 16, a hedge fund manager at Goldman Sachs. His identical twin, Lawrence Goolens, 56, nodded in agreement. “They ruffle my feathers,” Uger went on.

Madonna Wants to Adopt a Canadian

By DJ Salinger, TORONTO – Charismatic wall of spunk Canadian Prime Minister Cock Blocker is preparing Team Blocker to deal with Madonna over her rumored plans to adopt a Canadian before summer’s end.

“Le priminister du Canada, Monseiur Cocque Blocquer will not permit such a thing to happen without much money flowing into his secret pants pocket,” insisted Remy LeFontaine, 12.

Oh-oh, Ah-ha Change Name to Uh-huh

By DJ Salinger, SEATTLE – One of the most influential shock-rock groups on the Seattle grunge scene, Ah-ha, have announced plans to change their name to Uh-huh.

1979 Commission Rules ‘Punk’s not Dead’

By DJ Salinger, WASHINGTON – Music fans around the globe are rejoicing in news that one of rock’s most treasured genres – that of “punk rock” has been officially declared “very much alive” by a bi-partisan Congressional Commission which had been studying the issue on weekends since 1983.

Seafaring: An Exploration of All Things Nautical

By Bertie Rusenstrom, (Special to The Brutal Times), TORONTO – As a young girl growing up in central Saskatchewan, the ocean has always held a fascination for me. Indeed, I felt my heart strings stretched to breaking each time I managed to catch a brief image of a curling surf in the wall of televisions in my father’s occult bookstore.

White Guy ‘Likes Rap Music’

By DJ Salinger, DES MOINES – Most stories begin with a call in the night. After snacking I’m usually bloated and angry and can just barely summon the will to drag myself into my hammock so it goes without saying that I don’t like to be woken. But this time turned out to be different.

“What now?,” I demanded as I picked up the phone.

My editor at The Brutal Times, El Toro came on the line.

“I know a guy, a white guy,” he said. “He says he likes rap music.”

Man Pays Twice For Same Meal

By Smia Oots (with InfoSandwich News Services) SAN FRANCISCO – Reports are everywhere on the Web this morning speculating that a Bay area man has paid twice for the same meal.

The man who is as yet unidentified bears little or some resemblance to reclusive hip hop singing sensation Eminem.

Dark Knight Angered By Presidential ‘Snub’

By El Toro, NEW YORK CITY – As six former US presidents sat down for a delicious lunch with President George W Bush and president-elect Barack Obama every face at the table beamed with bi-partisan glee.