By Smia Oots, HOLLYWOOD – As more and more clones move into the neighborhood and take jobs belonging to identical twins a growing echo of whining is spiraling out of control in online chat rooms and some of the worst-kept public rest rooms in the city.
“I don’t like clones, ok?” ejaculated Uger Goolens, 16, a hedge fund manager at Goldman Sachs. His identical twin, Lawrence Goolens, 56, nodded in agreement. “They ruffle my feathers,” Uger went on.
Clones, invented by Toyota in the ’80s before you were born, are taking our jobs and sexually pleasuring our heterosexual girlfriends.
“The clones come in at night, they park their hotrods, and then before you can say ‘Coldplay’ they’re humping your GF, listening to your favorite Radiohead jam,” ejaculated Mary Sisk, 49, who was eating a chicken sandwich as she spoke to me on the bus. “This is my stop,” she went on. “I have to get off.”
Identical twins, long accustomed to the limelight, with its perks of more legroom, always being greeted with a supplicating smile, and valet parking, have seen their privileges evaporate as more and more clones come on the scene.
“Their privileges are evaporating,” confirmed Mia Poppe, 21, a philosophy student at The University of Tokyo. “People can’t tell them apart,” she went on.
“Listen, I, uh, gotta go – I have a class, ok?”
You wanna get high?
“Ha ha – funny. You’re like the 5th guy to try and use that line since I got up, like an hour ago.”
Derrick Jimo, 28, is a subway vigilante whom pounces on clones and some identical twins by mistake.
“I don’t fuckin’ care – I’m angry,” he says.
Have you tried channeling that anger into an artistic pursuit, like punky music, or fingerpainting?
“Hey, you know what? You look like somebody….You got a brother or sister?”
Easy, Jetstream. I got dipsomaniac immunity.
“Clones are being singled out for being different,” says clone booster Billy, 6. “People can’t stand difference and so they try to nuke it,” he went on.
“If you gimme five dollars I can make it stop,” Billy insisted, kicking my bad leg, but looking in another direction so for a second I thought he wasn’t doing it and like maybe I was even kicking myself.