Author Archives: Smia Oots

About Smia Oots

Smia Oots is a free-floating wild card racked up on painkillers and an automated sequence of commands who came to Tokyo to pursue her interest in social drinking. Always in search of new moments that can only live on in recollection, Oots asks we put the Enlightenment behind us, stat.

People With the Same Name are the Same

By Smia Oots, SOUTH BRONX – If you’ve been thinking most people named Neil are hard to get along with you’re not alone says a recently released document from Internet super snooper Edward Snowden, 36.
“People – persons – named Neil are notorious dicks.”

Posted in Stories For Tops

Is Ben Afleck U.S. Cinema’s Enfant Terrible?

By Smia Oots, Los Angeles, HOLLYWOOD

Posted in Exclusive!, Hollywood Pap

Guy’s Nose Ring Looks Like a Booger

By Smia Oots, VANCOUVER – I saw a guy riding a bike with one of them nose rings?
It looked like a booger.
“Booger” means booger in Canadian English.
“It’s not a booger – it’s a piercing,” the guy, Dale Barrings, 16, a loans officer at Scotia Bank, told me.
But it sure looks like a booger.

Posted in Ordinary People


By Smia Oots, TOKYO – Obama.

Arcade Fire.


Your iPhone.

Posted in Exclusive!

Girl’s Bladder is Timed to Coworker She Despises

By Smia Oots, CHICAGO – Chicago, home to America and America’s people. Lego, kites, dolphins? Barack Obama bought his iPhone there. I heard a bird chirping. When snow arrives in Chicago it stealthily sprinkles itself in peoples’ nostrils and makes them snowblind like in that Black Sabbath number about cocaine your grampa played you when you was about yey high.

Anyways, what’s more is a girl’s bladder is timed to a coworker she despises.

Posted in Exclusive!

Anarchy Condos Under Seige in Toronto

By Smia Oots, THE HOLY CITY OF TORONTO – Anarchists dressed in eye-numbing colored jumpsuits, bathing trunks and business attire hurled themselves against each other and their own underground condo, Toronto’s fashionable Queen’s Quay residence, The Anarchy Condos At No Fixed Address

Posted in Canaduh

Clones Ruffle Identical Twins’ Feathers

By Smia Oots, HOLLYWOOD – As more and more clones move into the neighborhood and take jobs belonging to identical twins a growing echo of whining is spirally out of control in online chat rooms and some of the worst-kept public rest rooms in the city.

“I don’t like clones, ok?” ejaculated Uger Goolens, 16, a hedge fund manager at Goldman Sachs. His identical twin, Lawrence Goolens, 56, nodded in agreement. “They ruffle my feathers,” Uger went on.

Posted in Hollywood Pap

Only 1 in 5 Serial Killers is Witty

By Smia Oots, TORONTO – Despite our steady diet of witty serial killers injested from fabulus digital video digitals (DVDs), in reality fewer than five serial killers is witty, according to a landmark report submitted to the UN by Canada’a Barack Obama, Canadian Prime Minister, Cock Blocker.

Posted in Stories For Bottoms

US to Declassify more Cute Pet Stories

By Smia Oots, ARLINGTON – US President Barack Obama, fullfilling his campaign promise of more openness in government, ordered this morning that 16 more cute pet stories be released to the public.

The soon-to-be-released 16 cute pet stories brings the total of cute pet stories released to public view by Obama to 17. On his first day as president he released “Topps: the Story of the Cutest Dog with Whiskers”. The 180 word story featured a photo of Topps, which spread over Internet chat rooms faster dwarfing everyone’s attention for weeks.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief

Plunge in Feigned Interest Ruffles Feathers

By Smia Oots, MY ROOM – Jeez winter’s here really givin’ everybody the bum rush.

And so, feigned interest levels have plunged.

People all across America (aka ‘the world’, pre-Oct. 2008) are tuning out.

Posted in Special Report