Conversational Gold - The Brutal Times
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Thinking Man’s Rock

Do you have to be taught…how to rock? I dunno, but the thing is DJ Salinger, the recluse on the loose at The Brutal Times is thinking deeper than any man woman or manwomanandchild combo aboot le rock, le roll, le blues, le clasic, le hip du hop etc. Why listen to him? Don’t. Listen to his hands. Bumping.

Jean Claude Van Damme To Join Van Halen

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By DJ Salinger, PARIS – Ah, Paris! Paris in the spring. What can one say about Paris? Only, it isn’t spring, and so far, to be be frank, almost all that’s been written about this golden city on the Seine is unreadable.

Unless you speak French.

New Brahms Album Spoilers Rock Cafe Society

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By DJ Salinger, BERLIN – Say the name Brahms and what comes to mind? Brahms, probably. But for die hard Brahms fans, the name Brahms has become synonymous with some of the world’s filthiest curse words.

Know why?

Brahms hasn’t put out an album since 1897.

Frankenband Spring: Billy Corgan Quits Smashing Pumpkins

Ronnie Spector, Billy Corgan and Steve Earl e headline the fourth annual "Waltz" benefit at Chicago's Metro, 23 March, 2002.

By DJ Salinger, DEMOCRATIC PEOPLES’ REPUBLIC OF IKEA – Billy Corgan, founding father of Green Day and the Smashing Pumpkins, quit the Smashing Pumpkins yesterday, after fans complained the band’s Ikea performance was “about as exciting as waiting for a bus.”

Nothing Sounds Better than a Great MP3

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By DJ Salinger, TOKYO – Nothing sounds better than a great mp3. Am I right? The Japanese discovered this back in the ’80′s, when they discovered America, but now even the biggest losers are dumping their sad sack vinyl collections in the river and wearing their CDs instead of playing them.

Good for them!

Paul: “Beatles Were an Hoax”

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By D.J. Salinger, BALTIMORE – Wiping his hands on the brim of his skintight jeans, Beatles’s front man Paul McCartney shocked a bunch of loitering black bloc anarchists patiently waiting for a bus, when he whispered at them, “I’ve got something that’ll really flip your lids, lads – The Beatles were an hoax.”

The Geddy Leesa “Lost, Missing or Stolen”

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By DJ Salinger, THE LOUVRE – Some people are caring this morning, as the prog rock art world’s most valuable sparkly treasure, the Geddy Leesa, has been reported lost, missing or stolen by its troll minder.

Led Zeppelin Form Led Zeppelin Cover Band

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By DJ Salinger, LAS VEGAS – In a shockingly awesome turn of events, after months (years?) of extended refusal on the part of Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant to rejoin the band, remaining Zeppelin members Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones finally figured out a way to sort of change his mind.

Madonna is Old

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By DJ Salinger, NEW YORK CITY – A growing body of experts and everyday people – a hodgepodge of scientists, spoilt academics and eveyday stereomoms, whathaveyou, say Madonna “is old”.

“It’s irrefutable,” ejaculated Kenny Habh, 9, who has studied Madonna since he was 5. “Her face looks like takoyaki.” (‘Takoyaki’ is Japanese for ‘octopus pancake’.)

Noel Gallagher Quits Oasis, China Says

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By DJ Salinger, SHANGHAI – China’s official news service (China’s Official News Service) is reporting this morning that British pop singing sensation Noel Gallagher may have quit Oasis, the world’s most popular shock-rock combo since The Beatles.

“Mr Noel doesn’t like his brother, and wants to experience a middling solo career apart from him (the brother),” said Dan Hartwig, spokesperson for CONS. “It’s just like when Paul quit The Beatles,” he speculated wildly.

Angry fans turned over cars and houses

Life Metal Gives Hope to Seniors, Pets

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By DJ Salinger DEMOCRATIC PEOPLES’ REPUBLIC OF IKEA – Despite all the bad-mouthing, and the crushing of neighbors’ fingers in doorjambs at 2am, and the laughing and pointing, despite the cynicism and the ism, a new hope hath arriveded, just in time for Halloween.

Life metal.