Jean Claude Van Damme To Join Van Halen

By DJ Salinger, PARIS – Ah, Paris! Paris in the spring. What can one say about Paris? Only, it isn’t spring, and so far, to be be frank, almost all that’s been written about this golden city on the Seine is unreadable.

Unless you speak French.

Moving along, French charmer, Jean-Claude Van Damme, star of such films as…star of such films as…star of – he was that fighting guy, along with Steven Seagal, only from France? Well, guess what? He’s joining Van Halen.

“Things weren’t working out with Roth,” confirmed Van Halen’s Eddie Van Halen, via social marketing giant Fluffer, this morning, (referring to Van Halen’s former front man David Lee Roth by his family name). “Jean-Claude just seemed to naturally fill his shoes,” he went on.

How so, Joe?

“Well, they’re the same size,” explained Eddie.

Both Mr. Roth and Mr. Van Damme are a size 8 (U.S.) and 10 (European, men’s), respectively.

So, you’re gonna…actually have Claude wear Dave’s shoes?

“No, that was a metaphor.”

Oh. I hate grammar.

“Yeah. Well, I have to get going now.”

Me, too. I’ve got lots of shopping to do.


Do you have to do shopping today, too?

“No, that’s- uh, other people sort of look after that.”

Huh. Must be nice! Listen, whut you gonna call it?


Whut you gonna call that new band thing o’ yours?

“Uh, well…we’re batting a few ideas around. It’s a bit soon to tell, really. Listen-”

Why don’t you call it Van Damme Halen?


Why don’t you call it Van Damme Halen?

“Yeah. I don’t-”

Dude, it’d be so cool!

“Yeah. I don’t-”


“Yeah. I don’t- Look, I gotta go.”

Eddie, you the man, Eddie.

“Yeah. Listen-”

Or – you could form a band with Ellen DeGeneres and call it Van Ellen.”

Or – Van Helen! You know, to be fair. Kind of blur the lines a little. Between Ellen and Halen.


Are you still there?
” ”



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About DJ Salinger

Better than nothing, DJ Salinger shakes it where the sun don't shine. BT' s resident recluse on the loose, Salinger is the trouble with this generation, begging the question, What is the sound of one fist bumping?
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