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Grande Chef Otto

Culinary arts hero, Grande Chef Otto is one of the founding members of The Brutal Times. He’s also the longest to go without a paycheque. His reports on cooking dwarf anything you’ve read before ever. Read them now, before they get cold. Trust me – later they’ll make your eyes feel like week-old chop suey.

Diet Earth: The Earth is Too Fat

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By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Pittsburgh, the corner of the globe. A place where everyone knows your name. A small town. A place where nine out of ten scientists are saying what we’ve all known all along.

Mom Hates it When Kids Get Crumbs on the Table

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By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Mom hates it when kids get crumbs on the table.

Know why?

Mom’s had a long hard day and when she gets home she doesn’t need the aggravation.

Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich Popularity to Skyrocket in 2013

Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich Popularity to Skyrocket in 2011

By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Among the many exciting predictions for 2013, younger sister of famed predictor Nostradamus, Coco Nostradamus, says more people across the globe will eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches this year than maybe at any other year in the history of the worlds’ diverse peoples.

Chicken is So Versatile

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By Grande Chef Otto, CHICAGO – The great thing about chicken is it’s so versatile. It’s legal, in my mind, to do just about anything to a chicken, and if you’re not particularly religious or a clean freak of some sort, I’d reccommend slipping out while the Google Street View’s not looking and picking up some poulet for some backyard or rooftop cooking.

J.R.R. Tolkien Wrote a Book about Onion Rings

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By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Fans of Hogwarts are squirming more than they care to admit as town criers at Denny’s say J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a book about onion rings.

“First of all, it’s not ‘Hogwarts – it’s Middle Earth,” whined Hogwarts fan Heather Bille, 50. “What’s more is the genious who created Middle Earth, J.R.R Tolkien, was also secretly a lover of fast food,” she went on, not blinking.

Take Out Food is Healthier Than Home Cooked Food

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By Grande Chef Otto, Paris, THE LOUVRE – Bob Lomax lifts weights four times a day. He wakes at 4:31 am, rinses his balls in an imported basin from Bahrain, and meditates in Japanese for nine minutes while his second “wife” Vickers prepares a delicate vitamin powerhouse pureed and mulched (basically the same thing I know) in an eleven hundred dollar pureeing mulching machine from Sicily.

Bob has had seventy four heart attacks.

A Brutal Guide to Shimokitazawa 2: Lunching

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By Grande Chef Otto, Tokyo, SHIMOKITAZAWA – I know I know, you’re all shaking your collective headbanging heads wondering why I’d go and do such a crazy thing.

Eat out in Shimokitazawa.

Well I was hungry.

Got Allergies? Try Charles Manson’s Cookie Diet

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By Grande Chef Otto, LOS ANGELES – A lot of people I know are suffering from allergies these days – hay fever, peanut butter, claustrophobia and arachnophobia being at the top of the list.

But a nifty new diet developed by charismatic California convict Charles Manson is headed straight to your cuisine rescue, courtesy of Japanese impressario Matsumoto Boy and his casually-dressed office tower full of plebes and flunkies.

The product? Charles Manson’s cookie diet.

A Brutal Guide to Shimokitazawa: Dining Out

By Grande Chef Otto, TOKYO – As you know, hipsters of all shapes and sizes travel all over the world every year lugging their Canadian flag backpacks to and fro. Some of these so-called “backpackers” wind up on the highly-acidified streets of Shimokitazawa, a little ol’ town in Tokyo, I purchased from an ancient Japanese man a few years ago.

Pentagon Chef Admits Strategy in Afghanistan Not Succeeding

VIRGINIA- Revered Pentagon head chef Pierre de Papineau has locked horns with the White House over the administration’s plans to continue what the Grande Chef calls “a strategy that is, frankly, I tell you honestly, not working,” in the war in Afghanistan.