Take Out Food is Healthier Than Home Cooked Food

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By Grande Chef Otto, Paris, THE LOUVRE – Bob Lomax lifts weights four times a day. He wakes at 4:31 am, rinses his balls in an imported basin from Bahrain, and meditates in Japanese for nine minutes while his second “wife” Vickers prepares a delicate vitamin powerhouse pureed and mulched (basically the same thing I know) in an eleven hundred dollar pureeing mulching machine from Sicily.

Bob has had seventy four heart attacks.

Since he became healthy.

Healthy food, and healthy routines are killing our children, and folks like Bob who would have children if only they didn’t hate kids.

“Healthy food, and healthy routines are killing our children, and folks like Bob who would have children if only they didn’t hate kids,” says Bernard Blange, 34, a barista inside The Louvre.

After showing me how they feed the mummies Mr. Blange told me he wanted an iPhone.

Then he told me that “Take out food is healthier than home cooked food.”

According to Blange, the author of The DaVinci Code – Leonardo Da Vinci, gained 200 pounds to play himself in the movie, by eating “home cooked food”.

Tom Hanks, who is usually credited with playing himself in the movie, also gained weight – just by looking at DaVinci.

Anyway, lots of home cooked foods may be unhealthy according to some.

Peas are unhealthy.

Broccoli.

A pear is bad.

Apples.

A sandwich made inside your home will kill you instantly.

“Consumers should exercise their spending power and eat mostly take-out despite the cost and warnings,” advised Business Jesus, who has made himself all by himself.

As the owner of two popular eateries here (Ssh…Kebab), and in Los Angeles (Pasta La Vista), I have seen firsthand the health benefits of chowing down on delicious gnosh prepared by total strangers, often total angry discontented vengeful strangers.

“Our study did show that one meal – a pepperoni pizza, which was prepared by Uber Hitz, an ex-convict and bordline psychotic at the Buzzard King Internet Cafe in downtown Newark aon March 12, 2009 contained so much bacteria that it boosted customer Norm Fasel’s immune system to the extent that doctors now believe he is likely to live to 122 years of age,” said Karl Mope, an analyst at rightwingthinktank.com.

Talented chefs have known this and much other stuff they don’t want to tell you for years. Unless you know what you’re doing in a kitchen, it really is much better leaving the job of feeding yourself up to the professionals.

Or is it?

About Grande Chef Otto

GCO is a third generation Grade AAA Grande Chef, whom has served France with distinction since first garnering the honor in 1963.The title of "Grande Chef" is bestowed by the prestigious Paris L'Ecole du Piscine Noir uponst those rare experts in the culinary arts willing to take unprecedented risks in the pursuit of achieving gastronomic perfection. He is also the proud owner of the award-winning bistros Ssh..Kebab, and Pasta La Vista.
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4 Responses to Take Out Food is Healthier Than Home Cooked Food

  1. Jay says:

    “Peas are unhealthy.

    Broccoli.

    A pear is bad.

    Apples.

    A sandwich made inside your home will kill you instantly.”

    A sandwich made inside of your home will kill you instantly. But everybody knows that! Sandwiches kill people every day. Just check out your local newstand. Oh, and NEVER exercise. You’ll have heart attacks. If you wanna live, smoke and do as much drugs as you can, until you feel like a flying pig. Hooray Chef, have your daily intake of sugary deep fried food.

  2. billy says:

    sugary deep fried!! oh yeah come on yeaaaah!!!

  3. bob lomax says:

    i know bob lomax – i am bob lomax. and i never eat out of my food groups. you can go on and keep making your funny games, but it’ll never make ME smile.

  4. apostropho says:

    i agree with GCO. fumes from home cooking left me with medical bills which totalled over 10,000 U.S. dollars last year ($50.00 Canadian). Plus, no one wants to touch my body, as it’s coated in sesame, olive, and veggie oils. They never wash off.

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